Never have I ever

encountered a television show that has so entirely changed my perspective on the world as much as Six Feet Under has. I just finished watching the series finale and I am actually shaking. The show is scary and beautiful; how could it not be? The main themes are death and the beauty found in embracing mortality. I especially love the finale episode because it answers all possible questions about the fate of the characters, but you still feel like there's so much more that you could see if you desired. And I think that's the greatest part of the show, the characters feel so real because their lives are both seconds and lifetimes all at once. During the whole five seasons, the characters only age five years, and yet I'm left feeling like I knew them from life until death. The show takes the cliche saying of "live everyday as if it is your last" and makes you see beyond the desire to live as hard as possible in as short as possible. It makes you embrace the moments you have, the opportunities you have, and tells you that "yes, time does somewhat make you feel better." The central thing that I took out of it was that as time passes, you realize that all the horrible things that happen in a person's lifetime only hold as much weight as you allow them to. Truly the best and most engaging television show. The creator and director is the same guy who made True Blood into an HBO series, Alan Ball.

Cheerup Buttercup

My mom put it a great way: it's either that one guy that you will always love or it's nobody. And right now, it's nobody because if I started looking for someone, I'd try desperately to find someone like him. (I don't want anyone else !) And even if that was possible and I found someone like him, I'd just be sad because he would just be a replacement. I'm feeling like I did when I first started this blog. Trying to find things to occupy my time and wishing I had a relationship to worry about instead of worrying if I have a caffeine addiction.

I need to stop being such a sad sack after all...

One foot in front of the other.

This key is to your kingdom
This key is to your heart
Neither one is a doorway
But both of them a part
So one foot in front of the other

- "Avalanche" by Matthew Good

Liar

I am forever behind my invincible shield
-behind hardened steel and twisted metal-
fabricated to hide the portrait of a little girl.
Medal designed to protect the child from the harmful
effects of the great ball of fire we all call the sun.
The once tender expression on the child’s face
crafted into a horrifying battle mask of cooled fire.

Under this mask, I found refuge before,
now I’m trapped in a room without a door –
a cave without a light –
a forest without a fire.
A prisoner of my future self.

I have abandoned who I was before,
when I promised that I would not hide any more
but days passed, the sun rose and fell
and the steel began to enclose my soft inner shell.

One day I will break free from this metal tree,
I will tear through the bark of razors,
I will rip the branches of knives,
and I will pull the mask from my skin.
I am free, I will shout.
I will throw this ugly mask out.
The warmth of the air will shock me and I will yearn to replace
the cool comfort of the steel back to my face.
But before I do,
as I raise the mask, I will not prevent myself from seeing
the reflection of the immobile little girl in the battle mask of cooled fire
as she mocks me softly, whispering to my painted lips: liar, liar, liar.

the ticking of time (a personal essay).

Huddling deep in a closet, between moth eaten dresses, I hide from my captors with an ear pressed up against the wall like a criminal breaking into a bank vault, but instead of listening for the clicks to indicate a correct code, I’m listening for the of sound of footsteps. I would like to stretch my legs, but any movement could cause a noise that might alert the guards to my position.

The closet is unnerving; I keep terrorizing myself with images of monsters sneaking up behind me, just to shrink back into the shadows as I turn around. I would like to breathe deeply, to inhale the exotic scent of perfume and dust covering forgotten disguises, but that too could make a sound to alert the guards. My shoulders and muscles are so tight and tense that any foreign motion what so ever, holds the power to plunge me into cardiac arrest. I’m painfully aware of my own existence.

I would like to leave, but I have to teach them that when they wish to punish me, they will have to come and find me first. Through all this I cannot deny the need inside me, the need for my mother to place her arms around me and tell me that the monsters are only in my mind, a creation of my vivid imagination. But, now I suppose she might be much more willing to place her hands around my neck, so I focus all my strength on escaping this prison camp.

I am invincible. I lay in the night street listening for the sound of a car, waiting to hear the rumble of tires on the dirt road, turning up stones and dust. The driver is blaring music, Neil Young perhaps, singing along and reliving memories. My heart is beating in my chest, beating so hard as if threatening to explode; a time bomb with no one around to disarm it. I cannot stay here too long. I imagine what would happen if that car came flying down the road. I do not have time to react and hopefully it will be over quick. I wouldn’t mind dying as Neil Young songs blare from a few feet away.

It’s a cold summer night, one that smells like open earth and new life. My nostrils are still burning and my eyes are teary from the campfire, but now I’m looking at the stars. I do not care that I have sand in my hair or that my sweater is dirty. I imagine my family sitting around a campfire, talking over each other and laughing, they are so warm wrapped in their sleeping bags that they have to move back from the fire. I’m freezing in the dampness and I’m wrong, because they are quietly looking at the stars too, each one off in there own perfect world. I’m free, I’m alive, I’m defiant, I’m naive and I’m unaware of the danger or my own stupidity. I turn my head in the dust and smile at the boy beside me. I am in love and time is ticking away.

I awake with a broken body. The last time that I was conscious I was laughing. Pushing myself up on my forearms, I give up trying to find sleep and in one moment, one I would regret, I open my eyes. The sun should have stung my eyes, eyes that should have been bloodshot. It was no nightmare. After several minutes of realizing this, I cannot get rid of the hollow feeling in my body. There was no mistaking the needle marks in my arm and hand. They had told me that I would be fine. Did they lie to me? No. Not really. I’m alive. I can hear the blood throbbing in my head, it blocks out all thought. I raise my bruised chest, bite down in a futile attempt to stop the pain and wait for my memory to return.

I must have fallen asleep again, only to wake up in the same condition with a sore neck. I start to see into my clouded memory of the night before but cannot comprehend the immensity of the gap where there is nothing. Nothing. Blank. Empty. I remember up to the point of the drinking, but past that… I do not want to remember that part. I knew that I had lost all control and at the time I was not thinking about the consequences.

I swallow some saliva and I am not entirely surprised when the taste of stale vodka and vomit greet my already churning stomach. I groan obscenities through dry, chapped lips, which I direct at my stupidity. I want my mother but do not want to face her. I knew there would be pain on the face of my loved ones. That fact hurts more than the bruises that cover my body.

It’s New Years Eve and I’m sitting with my father. We both escape the laughter and the happiness of the party to hide out in the dark living room. There is silence between us because we are two of the same. We are sick of making idle conversation, sick of faking smiles for people we meet, because introductions will be forgotten and faces will fade with time. It’s times like these where I get to see my real father. The one that I have never been told about, the one that I can only see on select occasions when he lets his guard down and he is so raw that I am speechless and I can only look on with wonder, afraid that any sound could destroy his tender core and he will forever be his steel shell. He turns on the television, surfs around and finds Neil Young’s “Heart of Gold” concert.

The party noise disappears and I turn to my father. He’s gone and in place of where he was a moment ago is the portrait of a boy. He’s invincible, he’s free, he’s alive, he’s defiant and he’s naive. I sit through the whole thing, but I feel like a criminal who has stolen a glance at someone’s soul. Then it’s all over. My father is back and I’m heartbroken. He’s beaten down, he’s been captured, he’s obedient and he’s rational. Deep down I know that I am doomed to turn out the same way because we are two of the same.

Today I find myself sitting alone. I could go over to some people and strike up a conversation or make some new friends, but someone I’m oddly familiar with is holding me back. They are holding me back from the person that I want to become. What have I done to make this person that I am? What have they done to influence me? I’m sinking into my comfortable skeleton, reaching out for help, but too stubborn or lazy to speak up. Until I can go over to them, I will sink. But, when I do go over, I just might get knocked down. I need that force to break me. I need to be broken so I’ll stop sinking.

Back in the closet, I’m thinking: This is a sure way to drive them crazy. As I finish this train of thought with a know-it-all smirk, a dress falls on my head. The shock sends me screaming and flailing into the hall to crash right into the knees of one of the guards.

I cannot remember what their wrath was, but I do remember thinking, I promise that I will never grow up to be an angry, boring adult; an adult who works all day and becomes a shell of their former self. This was my last thought before the rest of my life began.

Feist - "So Sorry"

I Had No Tag for Love (Repost: May 31st, 2009)

Awkward, we fit together,

like two birds with odd feathers.

We talk for hours

about my pencil breaking super-powers...

You make me laugh,

I make you smile.

Please stay with me for awhile.

I wish you would hold me and

carry me away,

kiss me on a rainy day.

The day I discovered

that you liked me too,

was the start of something new.

You reached for my hand,

I grabbed your arm.

I was glowing inside.

Glowing where there was never warmth

or even a slight spark.

But, now I'm aflame,

my heart beating to your name.

But, at the same time,

I'm scared.

I have everything.

I have you.

I'm bound to lose it all eventually.

I caught what I could,

I dropped what I could not.

I don't want to go back.

I don't want to be scared.

I don't want to think about anything,

I just want to feel like this forever.

I don't like change.

Dwelling

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that.” - Professor Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Bus Ride Fail

:D

I've had 1,074 visitors to my blog this week... which is more than I've had since I started this blog in 2008. I'm not sure what people find interesting about my teenage angst, maybe they find it funny or comforting to know that someone is as messed up as they are. Anyways: here's a funny video that I love!

Keep me sane, please!

The only thing keeping me sane is the idea that maybe in the future, fate, in all its magical bullshit delusional glory, will bring us together again.

Said The Whale - "The Real of It"

"But I can't stop breathing my heart keeps beating on as it will for a long time now."

I talked to my mom today...

and I told her why I've been so miserable lately (crying randomly, sulking in my room for days, wearing my ray-bans all the time to hide my swollen eyes). I said that I'm terrified that I made a big mistake; that I ended a relationship that was really special and that I don't deserve to be loved by anyone. I don't want to think about if I did the right thing or not, but I can't help but feel like I cut off my own leg and now I'm struggling to walk. It's a cheesy simile, I know. It's the only way I can describe it. I told myself that it was the right thing to do over and over again. But when I think of the type of person I want to spend my life with, I think of him. I screwed up big time and perhaps I'll never be as happy as I once was.
When I broke up with him, I could never pin point the exact reason why. I now know that it was simply the geographic distance between us. It led to a loss of trust that I couldn't handle. After a long day of school, he wanted me to talk to him, which was not too much to ask. But he was in a bad place and wanted my support. However, I can barely support myself, and I just couldn't take it. We would fight about little things because we were drifting so far apart.
Now that we're apart indefinitely ( because now I know his parents hated me all along), I only think of the great times we had: eating lunch at our high school, hugging his back while he was on the computer, watching American Beauty and eating cereal off his chest, checking ourselves out in the mirror, walking to future shop, standing outside in the cold waiting for the bus, riding the bus and drawing invisible hearts on each other, going to Said the Whale, staying in bed all day, crying on each other, him falling asleep on my chest, talking on skype for hours while he was away in the summer, drinking beer, eating spits and watching hockey, holding each other while watching Wall-e (I cried) and having him care when I cried.

I could honestly go on forever. I think I would be ok if I knew that he remembered all these things and they didn't cause him pain. But, I know that he doesn't anymore, because they hurt him too much and so, all the good times we had are left to me to remember. And it's not a good memory if only you remember it and the other person sees it as a lie, regretting every moment, and for a good reason. I'm a heart breaker: first his, then my own.

When you run out of shows... rewatch them starting with: Arrested Development

It never should have been canceled!!!

Today's pictures and my distractions.

I'm feeling pretty ordinary.
It was worth every moment.
Damn right.
I can't wait to get on with my life. I want things to happen, I want to move on or just bury myself in my bed and never leave.

Solo Dance: Hannah Georgas - "The Beat Stuff"

Solo Dance: The Supremes - "Where did Our Love Go w/ Lyrics"

Solo Dance: Will Smith - "Getting Jiggy With It"

Solo Dance: Chromeo - "Fancy Footwork"

Solo Dance: The Rolling Stones - "Miss You"

Solo Dance MUSIC! Coming Right UP!

I hope I'm not the only one out there that enjoys a solo (or with friends), all-out, no hold backs, dance party. I couldn't possibly be the only one that is controlled by a catchy song with a bouncing beat, instantly bringing a smile to my face and a hop to my step. So, if I'm right, then I think anyone in the need of a pick-me-up has to listen to these next 5 songs I'm going to post in the form of youtube videos. Pump up your volume, put on a crazy get up and rock out with your cock out. And don't forget to sing your head off! (Knowing the actual lyrics is not important)

Beautiful.

"Better a broken heart than no heart at all." - Doctor Who

Dating Website: mate1

I signed up for a dating website for jokes. I've done it in the past just to see what kinds of people are on... so far 3 dude have messaged me. They are all above 25 with man boobs... gross. I checked out the girls... all of them are either chunky or scary as fuck. I'm going to stay away from the internet for awhile...

Haha the picture is so very sexual:

Sleepy Zen Music

I listen to this music if I'm having trouble falling asleep. I usually lay in the corpse pose and I can feel my entire body going numb. Sometimes when I feel myself getting angry, sad, worried or stressed in anyway, I just turn this music on, close my eyes and breathe deeply, letting my heart beat slow. Soon there are no worries in my mind and I'm free from whatever event or feeling that threatened me.

Emiliana Torrini - "Big Jumps"

Emiliana Torrini - "Heartstopper"

Absolutely love her. She's so cute and catchy!!

Today

I've been getting a lot of traffic lately! :) I like. Anyways, today was pretty awesome. I went to my brother's hockey tourney today. They lost, but I did see Doug Gilmour. He's the head coach of the Kingston Frontenacs! They are my new OHL team.
By the way, I love my parents they are the SHIT! My sister is pretty cool too. She bought me a bucket of alcohol for Christmas... oh man she knows what them university kids like O.o
I'm downloading Jimmy Eat World right now. I heard them on the radio and I remembered how much I loved them.
All in all, I'm feeling pretty good. I had a few moments of weakness these past few days. I emailed my ex :S probably not a good idea in the long run, but he hasn't emailed me back which is fine. I love having the last word. I was very nice in my email so, I can now live with myself knowing that he at least knows how I feel.

I've been reading the novels by George R.R. Martin. They're going to be made into an HBO series. I ALWAYS love HBO series, so I'm excited. Plus the books are nerdy and epic.

Well, I'm going to get back to my reading... I'm so addicted. I forgot how good reading is for escaping reality.

.

"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

— Marilyn Monroe

Make fun of me.

Here's a list of things that people could possibly make fun of me for:

- I'm a vegetarian
- I'm cross-eyed
- I'm really awkward
- I live in a swamp
- I don't have my license
- I've done dumb things
- I'm not religious or spiritual in anyway
- I'm kinda a feminist
- I don't workout that often
- Sometimes I wear ugly things and am not aware of it until later on in life
- I was an ugly kid and still am
- I'm into arts in university... so I'm not smart in the eyes of the science people!
- I can never make decisions for myself, I usually screw up
- I try and usually fail in hilarious ways
- I can't argue very well
- I make pitiful lists like this
- I get lost in the past
- I don't make friends easily
- I'm confused about what I'm doing in my life

My mom would say that all these things are what the perfect man would love about me... but that's my mom.

Anyways, this all started because I'm an idiot and I looked at my ex's blog. I cried so much I actually threw up.... I know eh? Never happened before. He wrote something about talking to his mom about me and laughing about me and our relationship. It hurt a lot. After all, our relationship wasn't laughable. It was great. I loved spending time with him and I thought he did too. Maybe he's just writing these things to help him get over me, to not care anymore. I think that's the worst way to live. Why should you forget all the great moments in your life? Why should you destroy what made you who you are and what made you happy once?

I wouldn't care if he was dating someone else, I care so much that all the good memories of our relationship are laughable to him. That I am worthless.

I can't establish this enough, I am so fucking self-conscious I think I might be insane.

Voxtrot - Soft & Warm

You are so young, so feel alive and one day you live on your own.

Truly beautiful music from Voxtrot!

Try their album Mothers, Sisters, Daughters and Wives. My favorite song is Soft & Warm:

I've seen the hardest people soften in the spotlight
Won't you stop and breathe, tell me what you want to feel
I could draw on all these things, baby I feel this beauty pull me to a
Soft and warm, I know this all I need, why don't we learn to grieve
Baby I'd leave you for the person you used to be
They are my new Said the Whale.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE

I'm headed out to the fam christmas party.
All dresses up for fun I guess. I got no one to impress.

Charts of My Life

Looking at the last three years of posts on this blog you can easily tell when I am happy and when I'm not. 2008 - Lots of post because I'm a depressed teen. 2009 - Very few posts because I'm in love and crazy about school. 2010 - Lots of posts because I'm not so crazy about school, boy drama and sad times start again. Hopefully in 2011 I'll have few posts again. New Years resolution: Get my freaking head back in working order... or fall deeper into insanity, lock myself in my room and write the next bestselling novel/popular movie franchise. Both have their benefits.

Apology

I'd like to apologize for all the sad bullshit I've been posting lately. At the rate I'm going, it's not going to end anytime soon. But, I'm a mess and writing about it helps. Also... zen music. That helps too.

Forever Alone. Sad. But True.

He Has Moved On

So ya, I dumped a guy because we made each other miserable. For awhile I thought I would be ok. I didn't think about him every second of everyday. I pursued other guys and knowing that other guys liked me helped as well. He would call me at least 2-3 times a week to try and win me back. Me: thinking that I was already over him, told him to get over me and start dating other people. Now we haven't talked in weeks and I'm at home surrounded by memories. And to top it all off it's fucking Christmas, where all the songs are about spending Christmas with the one you love or spending it miserable and alone. So, now I know exactly how he was feeling when he said that he thinks about me everyday. I know that he's probably not anymore. That's a reasonable assumption. He said something about dreaming about me despite trying to get over me.


I had a dream last night that I was alone at an amusement park. I love the ferris wheel, so I was got on alone and when I was waiting for it to start, he got in with me. He didn't say anything, just sat beside me and let me rest my head on his shoulder while he put his arm around me. (I miss the little things.) And then I woke up. I wanted to go back so badly that I stayed all day in bed.

I'm like the kid that doesn't want a toy when no one's playing with it, but as soon as it's taken away she cries and cries and begs for it back. I just want to be normal again. Happy.

Ray-Bans!

UPDATE! I am now a proud owner of ray-ban wayfarers!

Woo! I had to wait two years, but now I finally have them!

I'll love you always.

I read somewhere that love is like a drug; When you go cold turkey you experience an addict's withdrawal symptoms. I can vouch for that.

I find it hard to get to sleep and to get out of bed in the morning. Every happy song seems depressing. Little things stab at my bleeding heart and I hold back tears. I wish I could restart my heart on a different track. I wish Bon Iver didn't remind me of being loved.
I miss the little simple things that I took for granted. The hand holding, having a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh at your dumb jokes, stare at you forever because they truly believe that you're beautiful, listening to sweet music, falling asleep being held and not waking up feeling alone and unloved. I wish I could hide away in these memories, but they make me so sad because I threw them away. Life became too complicated and love was lost. And I miss it so much every second of every day. I feel like the only lonely person in the world and I would do anything not to be alone.

All I Want For Christmas Is You

Keep Your Heart Wide Open, So It Can Fix When Broken

I just came up with an idea that would make me a billionaire. Broken heart t-shirts. If you're sad and miserable because you're alone and no one loves you... where a shirt that tells the world. It'll explain why your smile looks so fake and every love song brings tears to your eyes! TA-DA! You're no longer that weirdo that is so emotionally deranged; you're that poor brokenhearted person... one of many... of billions. I'd be wearing one right now!

How To Be Alone

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Frustration

There is a woman in the mirror
she smiles and laughs with ease.
The image is me?

Will she ever find love again?
Does she even want to?
I find little comfort in these questions.

I want to make the woman frown,
become aware of her prison
SCREAM and break the mirror.

We no longer have love to keep us warm.

But she just keeps smiling.
And I'm left to deal with the emptiness
and the constant questions.

When will someone see
the cruelty winding inside
of this shell
of this smiling woman
of this facade
of me?

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

I've been listening to old Christmas music and it's all so depressing. Most of the songs are about being alone for Christmas... woohoo... None the less, I'm enjoying it.

I miss the colours and warmth of fall.

Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be
Will I be pretty
Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

When I was just a child in school
I asked my teacher what should I try
Should I paint pictures
Should I sing songs
This was her wise reply

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will there be rainbows day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

What will be, will be
Que sera sera...

Why Do I Torture Myself?

I know the answer, it's pretty simple. No matter how many times I tell myself that he's not right for me, I'll always love him. He can go ahead and flirt with other girls, I destroyed everything because I am so FUCKING confused and I feel like screaming. I fucked around thinking that maybe I'd find someone who could fill this goddamned void I carved out of my life. I have no idea how to act, how to dress, look, flirt, survive, succeed, stay together... etc etc. I tell myself that I will be loved again, but I don't deserve it and I don't believe it. Three boys have loved me in my life and I threw them away. Maybe I'll end up a crazy cat lady. Love scares me, it's way too intense. I'm not happy, I haven't been happy. Things have been blowing up in my face because I stupidly do things (like accidentally pop balloons and spray frebreeze on lightblubs) that result in me shaking uncontrollably. I never experienced this kind of nervous attack before. I feel like I'm cold all over and sick with some kind of flu. The past few weeks I was pleased by lies. This whole ordeal is a complete mess. I hate coming home to the place where I met him. I tell my family that I'm an emotional wreck, but it sounds so dramatic... and it is. I'm really happy for him. I set him free at at time where he is "at the top of his game." I wish I could move on emotionally. But when guys flirt with me, I just want to punch them in the face. Well, I'd try to and probably fail miserably.

I hope the nervous shaking stops soon. I hope that my body doesn't quit on me after all the unnecessary things I've put it though. I sorry body :s please forgive me. I'm acting too much like myself.

Anyways, I'm not tired, so I'm probably going to watch old videos that I filmed with my friends from centennial. Fun times. For more fun here's me as I write this post (notice the tears, the very dramatic tears). Oh man... at least I can laugh at myself. I've still got that :D

:o

A light bulb exploded in my face. Shards everywhere. Karma sure is a bitch.

Before I Ever Knew...

When I first started writing on my blog, I used the desktop computer in my living room at home. I used to play Death Cab for Cutie's album Plans when I was home alone and belt out all the lyrics. Some of the songs made me cry. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I assumed I was feeling love or something. But now I know that I had no clue to what I was feeling. I still don't. When you watch too many romance movies that tell you how to feel and what to do to find love, you get kinda lost. I don't know what's right anymore and I don't think I'll ever know. Maybe that's the point. You're not supposed to understand why you pull away, give up, cry to songs, over dramatize the little things, or fall in "love" over and over again. Will we get over it? Knowing if we will or wont doesn't mean anything really. All we can do is try and move on to something better. I threw away my first love/my security blanket and now all I have is myself. I'm not sure how I feel. For a person who can write a bunch of crap about her feelings on her blog, it's funny that I don't know how to understand them.

It's weird looking back at the little things I did in the past. I guess this is what getting older feels like. Hopefully I'll live long enough to feel like this more.

Last night I had a nightmare that my Dad died. I'm not sure what made my subconscious come up with something so sadistic. I hate dreams that love to fuck with your mind. Perhaps I feel guilty because he probably thinks that I hate him. I really don't. All I dream about are things that make me feel guilty... oh and things like cats morphing into cockroaches. But that's a whole other story.