I have to accept that I'm out of the loop for good this time.
Today, I saw a video of me last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" naked. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML
Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML
Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML
Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML
Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML
The one thing I learned about myself is that I treat people as if they were disposable. Mostly because I don't value myself and so, why should I value the feelings of others? I tell myself that I don't care, but after it's all done, I do care. I'm childish in this way, willfully blind against any wrong doing; that is, until I can't simply shield reality from myself any longer.
All in all, I'm terrified. Although, it helps that I'm not alone. I know that I'm not alone. Everyone is terrified in their own ways of course. This is the very first time I've felt so entirely useless, stuck in a pile of mud that I knew was right under me the whole time.
I'm scared of sickness, of cancerous moles, my weakening eyesight, bad grades, never finding love again, losing friends, not making friends, mental illness, self-loathing, and countless other things that look so stupid when I write them down.
I'm going to try and stay up all night to get my sleep back on track for school. I'm excited to work out again too. Running always makes me feel like a warrior and it clears my mind. I obviously need my head cleared, the headaches have started and my hands are shaking more than ever. I've become a fickle old woman at the age of 18. Damn, I'm still so young!
