Coffee was made by the devil

and so was stress. This year is almost over though, so I'm excited to be back at home, hopefully working. But for now I'm going to sleep 6 hours and day and spend most of my time in the library. Also, I must attend to my burnt arm, my blistered feet and lack of appetite. This mess could easily be cured by a few hours lying on a beach somewhere... too bad I'm in beautifully cold Kingston. Damn I wish it were warm. I'm going to miss this place of course, even Vic Hall. It'll be so nice to have my own house though!

I'm sick of being so dramatic all the time. March resolution: Stop being such a tool ;) and make it to April alive!

Just knowing... (I think)

that you might be thinking of me too makes me happy. Maybe you're thinking how much you're happier without me or how much you miss the person I used to be. I think about you every second, even if I'm dancing, smiling, eating or sleeping. I think about all the things I should have said on the phone but didn't. I know I miss you more than ever. I wish you would call, but I know you don't want to and wont.

I think being told that my personality isn't the personality you fell in love with made me calm down and appreciate the people that love me just as much as they did before. (MADDY!) It also made me look at the world around me and question why it is so important to do the things I do. I thank you for that.

I think that I'm trying to find happiness here. This might be a school where people drink excessively, but the key is to find those genuine moments where a stranger holds a door for you, smiles at you as you pass by, makes the awkward elevator ride less awkward, or simply asks you how you are doing. The stars still shine here and at the end of the day everyone goes to bed after working their hardest.

I'm still miserable without you and cry when I'm alone in my bed. I wake up every time my phone vibrates with the hope that it's you.

I still miss my home and the days of sitting in my high school's hallways and eating lunch with you on the hill. I'm confused because in my mind I'm that same girl, just in a different environment. It hurts that you'll never talk to me again because you think I'm different and that I'll never be able to prove you wrong.

Today

I got a "mole" on my back removed. Mole sounds so gross. I picture a big brown lump with a long black hair growing out of it. My "mole" was more like a freckle. Anyways, I went to the doctor's this morning not really knowing what to expect.

So I get there and undress, I lay down on a table and the doctor sticks a needle in my back and injects me with numbing solution. I really hate needles. But this wasn't too uncomfortable. She then took this hole-punch-looking thing and pressed it onto the mole. I didn't feel a thing. She then put two stitches in my back to close me up. I will have a scar, but that's ok. At least I wont have cancer.

I was a total champ. I didn't whine or feel sick or anything... Until I went to make a follow up appointment with a secretary immediately after. I felt fine as I waited in the line up... then I became incredibly tired and dizzy. My eyes couldn't focus and when I got up to the front of the line I saw that the secretary was talking to me, but I couldn't hear her. I know I replied to what I thought she said, but I couldn't even hear myself because my ears were ringing. I started breaking out into a cold sweat, and I guess I became super pale because the secretary jumped up and ran to my side. She guided me to a chair and went to get a nurse. By then I was past the point of actually fainting.

I spend about half an hour in a room where people were getting vaccinated... not a great place to put someone who hates needles and almost fainted. But I survived, they gave me apple juice which helped a lot. They asked me if I had anyone with me... I didn't, and thinking about not having anyone around made me sad, and made me miss "he who must not be named".

Then I left. Now the pain killer stuff they shot into my back has worn off and every time move I feel like I'm being pinched. Sleeping is not going to be fun. I'm going to get the stitches out in a week. My biggest fear is that I might rip one of them. I'm glad there's a huge bandage on my back because I really really don't want to see what kind of gore fest is happening back there! haha fun day :D Well it was just another adventure I guess.

I lock my room at night

and my heart during the day. But, apparently I didn't lock it tight enough. My ex would be laughing if he knew the way I've been fucked over by a guy. He was right, he always said that guys are douche bags. I have yet to meet a guy in university that I could ever see myself loving or even dating. They are all so caught up in "wheeling" and fucking around. I miss having someone normal to love. He was much more mature than any of these tool bags. I'm sick of all of it. I try to be fucking friends with people, but they send me drunk texts and try to get me to "meet up later". Nice guys turn in to creeps that call you pretty because they want to get their dicks wet. I just want to know someone completely, I want them to be upfront. I don't want to fucking find out about shit by accident or by misunderstanding.
I'm so scared that I'll never find someone to replace the shadow of my ex. I'm beginning to think that he was my once in a lifetime chance, one I took for granted and never deserved. I don't like myself in this pathetic state. I feel like I did before I knew what love was. I was awake for that short amount of time... but now I'm back to sleep and the nightmares have started again.

Last night: I shook hands with a stripper. (read to the tune of "I'm in love with a stripper")

Last night was insane! I went to a bar with my floor. The fake my friend lent me worked and I was so excited! We all sat together and chilled. Apparently I might be living with all the guys from my floor. I'll have to share a room with my friend, but that's cool with me.

After the bar we went to a strip club. It was pretty lame. I though it would have been raunchy and sexy... nope. Just girls dancing half nude. Sorta expected. Whatever. I met a creepy old guy outside after who said I was hot and then fell into the street. That was my only action for the night. I hope he got home safe.

Anyways, it was a once in a lifetime experience. Like Disneyland with all of its creepers and stupid fun, but with more illegal activity and nudity.

Tulips in January

My mom dropped me off in Kingston. She drove for 7 hours to get me here and ended up sleeping over until 6am. She just left. When we were saying good-bye I kept telling myself not to cry because I would miss her and I didn't want to be alone. (and after all, I have been crying for the past month and a bit) But, I saw that there were tears in her eyes, and I couldn't hold mine back. I'm glad that I cried with her and hugged her really tight. I'll take all the love I can get.

Anyways, after I said good-bye, I ran up to my room and cried while I watched her drive away. I don't feel as if I've grown up at all. When I was home I started sleeping with my teddy bear again. I've convinced myself that it is giving me comfort from all the sad dreams I've been having. - I have them anyway. I brought it back to Kingston with me, along with a truck load of food as well as flowers. The tulips bloomed already. They made me smile through all the tears and sad sack times I've had today. I want to be grateful for all the things I have, and I believe that I am grateful, but it's hard to tell when what is hurting and what is reality are all twisted together.

Going For a Drive

I went for a drive with my friend. His car smelt like cherries. It was fun being in a car for the first time in months. Hopefully I'll get my license soon so I wont feel like a dependent child anymore.

I can't wait to go home for Christmas. I miss my family. It's going to suck leaving my friends though, but the holiday will fly by. I hope that I get to see my friends and arrange a party or something. I haven't ever really partied with them without doing something stupid and ruining it. Maybe I'll buy some p for Maddy haha. She's been up to no good in university ;) I miss her. A lot of people and conversations here are reminding me of how awesome my friends back at home are.

I have 3 exams left. English on Tuesday, Sociology on Thursday and Philosophy on Friday. :D It's almost over!!!!

The Stupid Things in Life

Since I've been in University, I have started to wonder what exactly makes people do stupid things. There's no doubt to the fact I've done a lot of stupid things in my life - some that I really should regret and perhaps never talk about again... but what's the fun in that? Anyways, I have two major exams tomorrow, so I'll try and wrap this up quickly with a convenient list of the top 7 stupid things I've sadly done, in no particular order:

7. Kissing my friend. Things became super awkward.
6. Taking one puff of a cigarette and hating it -don't worry, it was gross- (Swore to myself I never would when my aunt died of breast cancer.)
5. Vodka hospital list/Disappointing my parents.
4. Getting drunk and completely naked, somehow ending up in my friend's dad's office wrapped in a foam mattress cover.
3. Almost pulling out into oncoming traffic during a driver's lesson.
2. Drinking two energy drinks, smoking, and also drinking beer all in one night.
1. Accidentally (stupidly) taking too much medicine for my cold on an empty stomach -last night- and thus ended up puking and hallucinating for hours.

The funny thing is that I started off with a list of 5 and just started coming up with more. I'm just glad that I came out of all these experiences alive. I wonder if everyone has crazy stories to tell. I didn't think that I had much to hide until I considered all the crap that has happened over the years.

A sane person would say that they would go back in time and change it all. But, if time travel movies have taught us anything, it's that no matter how often time repeats itself, you'll probably just end up doing the same things over again:

I kissed my friend because I liked him. I knew it would be awkward in the morning, but at the time I didn't care. I wanted him to know.

I took that puff of the cigarette because it was offered and at the time I wasn't thinking for myself.

The vodka hospital visit happened because I honestly didn't know how much alcohol to drink or that alcohol effects people so quickly.

I got drunk at my friend's for fun, I passed out in her bed and that's all I remember. It was the first time I ever blacked out (without a hospital visit). The shit that happened after, happened without me being fully conscious.

My driving slip up happened because I don't pay enough attention when I'm driving. I'm insecure about my eyesight and once I get stressed I can't concentrate.

All the drinking, smoking and alcohol consumption happened because I wanted to see what it felt like.

And finally, last night was stupid because I didn't eat and took medicine. But, because I'm sick I don't have an appetite.

All of these things happened because of the choices I made, many which were made without better judgment. But the one thing I can't stand is being with someone who is a constant reminder of these sad and very embarrassing lessons I've learned. Afterall, I have my own fine memory. An outsider, father figure, telling me what is best without participation or passion, is the last thing I need. Unless you're standing next to me when I'm about to fuck up, you have no right to tell me you told me so or that you have a right to look down on me. I'd rather be in this big fucked up world of stupid experimenting human beings than in a glass world of naive robot perfection and isolation.

I Think I Should Have Come With a Warning Sign Tattoed on My Heart

I really should be doing the copious amount of work on my plate right now. But, I really don't feel like writing a book review. I get sick way too often. It could be the drinking, the smoking, the constant stress, but I think it's because I'm falling apart. I believe that there is a direct correlation between the mess I'm in and the state of my mind. Seems pretty obvious.

Anyways, I like it here. In this giant concrete building full of crazy teens, breaking windows with their asses, pulling fire alarms at 2am, and causing a general ruckus. I also love it here. When you're sick, there are people that give a shit. You have no idea how many people offered me tea to help me feel better. But, the thing is, all I really need is time. Time is always seen as a bad thing. We fear it as we get older, we curse it when we die. I've been watching too much Six Feet Under. Damn that show is depressing. I think I spent at least 13 hours yesterday watching one episode after another... It doesn't really open your eyes to anything new. Everyone dies, people cheat on each other, people often die alone/young/old, sometimes people let each other down, and in the end it really doesn't matter where you go when you die. If heaven is real, then that's awesome, but for a lot of us, our lives are our hell. One of my greatest fears is to never get out of this mess I've made. One of my greatest hopes is to be an extra in a zombie movie. But, overall, I want to fix more hearts than I break. Maybe I'm not the right person for the job though, soon I'll figure it out and perhaps I should become a funeral director like the brothers on Six Feet Under. Then I wont have to worry about hurting people.

Anyways, back to work to keep my mind off of my sickness. I hope it will go away soon, but then again it's kinda comforting to feel the constant effects of my misery. I need to keep telling myself that the world is a beautiful place and that I'm in a wonderful situation in life. I need to forget the fact that I'm inexperienced in the ways of the human heart. Someday, hopefully soon I'll learn. Until then I'll save up my money for an ad campaign to warn the world of my insanity.

I think I should write another short story. I haven't written anything creative in a long time.

The Fine Art of Finding Yourself

I love the fact I get goose bumps when I hear a certain song. Even kisses give me the bumps. My lips are ticklish and my heart is weak. Today I learned that we are all trapped by our inability to be socially imaginative. I wish I could see the greater implication of myself in this big picture.

Everyday I push my boundaries, silence the screams of my inner super shy girl, and take daring steps in an untraveled land. I meet new people constantly, each eager to find someone to replace a certain best friend they left at home.

I never thought I could be this happy without my family around me. But the thing is, if ever I'm sad or aching for human contact, I have a floor full of friends to talk to. I never thought I would be reading so much in so little time. I enjoy keeping bust though. I can't imagine myself anywhere else at this point. A social environment was what I always needed.

Everyone here is going a little bit crazy. To an outside observer we are all crazy teens drinking too much and making noise in a quiet world. That outsider was me for the most part of my life. I was miserable and hateful of those people. I even told myself it was because they were just "crazy teens". Now that I'm in the center of it all, I can rightfully say that we are exactly what people fucking say. I'm crazy, I've always been crazy. The fact that I write that sentence with a grin on my face makes me crazier.

So, in my mind what's the point of living if you never test your limits? In this life there is but death. Why not intoxicate myself with new experiences based on love, drugs, feelings, people and knowledge? I'm experimenting with this new world I'm in and it sure as hell ain't quiet.

Can't Wait

I'm at university! It's so cool. I cannot wait until I have the chance to go to lectures, be bored and starve!