Pilgrim!

Only love.

the dreams will continue to haunt my mind,
the mind of a girl, no longer mine,
only your's.

i've learned we're fragile bubbles
and kids are careless.

you see me now
clearer than ever before.
i have no control,
i have no limit,
i have no love.

when will my free spirit die
so i can be free to be happy?

Across the Universe - "I want to hold your hand"

Bursts of happiness.

I can't find them anymore. I hurt myself. When I was crying last night, I dug my fingers into my side just to feel secure and now there are four red marks burned into my skin. I don't understand how distance can do so much to two people. It's my fault, I know. I'm left loving and unworthy to be loved by anybody.

The Rumble Strips - "Boys and Girls In Love"

Matt Costa - "Mr. Pitiful"

Kate Nash - "Merry Happy"

Kate Nash - "Nicest Thing"

Oren Lavie - "Her Morning Elegance"

Sharon Van Etten - "Keep"

"Remember these moments now, they're all we have."

Hug.

Have you ever had one of those days where you want a hug so bad, but you know if you get one, you'll break down and never want to let go? So you keep to yourself and wait for everything to come together once again.

Sharon Van Etten - "For You"

Oh Sharon, how you manage to sing just the right things when I need them, I'll never know!

The Stooges - "I Wanna Be Your Dog"

The Rolling Stones - "You can't always get what you want"

You + Me ?

Just knowing... (I think)

that you might be thinking of me too makes me happy. Maybe you're thinking how much you're happier without me or how much you miss the person I used to be. I think about you every second, even if I'm dancing, smiling, eating or sleeping. I think about all the things I should have said on the phone but didn't. I know I miss you more than ever. I wish you would call, but I know you don't want to and wont.

I think being told that my personality isn't the personality you fell in love with made me calm down and appreciate the people that love me just as much as they did before. (MADDY!) It also made me look at the world around me and question why it is so important to do the things I do. I thank you for that.

I think that I'm trying to find happiness here. This might be a school where people drink excessively, but the key is to find those genuine moments where a stranger holds a door for you, smiles at you as you pass by, makes the awkward elevator ride less awkward, or simply asks you how you are doing. The stars still shine here and at the end of the day everyone goes to bed after working their hardest.

I'm still miserable without you and cry when I'm alone in my bed. I wake up every time my phone vibrates with the hope that it's you.

I still miss my home and the days of sitting in my high school's hallways and eating lunch with you on the hill. I'm confused because in my mind I'm that same girl, just in a different environment. It hurts that you'll never talk to me again because you think I'm different and that I'll never be able to prove you wrong.

The Drums - "Let's Go Surfing"

I listened to this song while I was in the elevator alone... and I danced a little. It reminds me of spending the summer with my friends in Sauble beach and feeling carefree and young.

Black Dynamite Trailer

Too good. I'm getting this shirt for sure. It's badass.

The ground was shining and on the stars, I was on solid ground.

It was one of those moments where you wouldn't have noticed the beauty if you weren't alone. The pavement was covered in glitter and it made me think of the stars, so I looked up and there they were.
I only wish you could have seen them with me.

Sharon Van Etten - "Much More Than That"

Sharon Van Etten - "Save Yourself (Live)"

Ahh she's so cute!

All the secrets I kept, I told to you.

"An awkward boy, an awkward girl. What could be better than lying in this bed feeling less awkward together?" I never meant to make you feel like my second choice. You'll always be my first.

Sharon Van Etten - "One Day"

I just found this artist and I fell in love. Her voice is so smooth and her lyrics are beautiful.

"Call me outside
and I will now be
and I'll be fine with that
don't leave me now
you might love me back"

Blonde Redhead - "The Dress"

Caribou - "Odessa"

Mega64: Cooking Mama

Coconut Records - "Any Fun"

Noah And The Whale - "Blue Skies"

He said I would be sad when I listened to this song. Once again he was right. He was always right. It's one of those happy/sad songs we would have listened to together.

I can honestly say I hate this. Not this song, but this situation. And I hate myself for being in it.

Marina and the Diamonds - " I Am Not a Robot"

Classical Music

I love this playlist on youtube. It's called Classical Music for Relaxation. It is so pretty and charming. Although, some of the music is so sad. It helps me study and think. I love how it makes nothing else but the music matter, if not but for a few minutes.

Musée des Beaux Arts

(Breughel's Fall of Icarus)

About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters; how well, they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.

In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.

by W.H. Auden

If you happen to read this:

You will do amazing on your driving test. I'm proud of you and so glad that I had the chance to get to know you.

(I would have texted you this, but you don't want to talk. If you happen to visit my blog then you'll know. Sorry for being sneeky.)

An End

"He said that when something ends, we must think that something begins. His advice is salutory, but the execution is difficult, for we only know what we have lost, not what we will gain. We have a very precise image - an image at times shameless - of what we have lost, but we are ignorant of what may follow or replace it." Blindness by Jorge Luis Borges

I'm scared to say it, but I don't see any new beginnings anytime soon. I've made too many mistakes and I've become a bad person. It was a struggle to get up this morning and throughout the entire day my face was a swollen mess and I held back tears every second. I've never felt this low my whole life.

It hurts to exist. I've never hated myself so much.

Today's pictures and my distractions revisted.

This is really disturbing, I think I see a guy... but then I look again and he's gone.




So cute, it makes me sad though. I wish I was blinded by love, but I'm just left covering my own eyes.

Franz Schubert - "Ave Maria For Violin"

So incredibly beautiful, it makes me bawl in a weird happy sort of way.

Workout Tape

"I'm telling you it'll be worth it."