Death of love and the reasons why it dies:

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” - Anais Nin

“Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” - Anais Nin

Never have I ever

encountered a television show that has so entirely changed my perspective on the world as much as Six Feet Under has. I just finished watching the series finale and I am actually shaking. The show is scary and beautiful; how could it not be? The main themes are death and the beauty found in embracing mortality. I especially love the finale episode because it answers all possible questions about the fate of the characters, but you still feel like there's so much more that you could see if you desired. And I think that's the greatest part of the show, the characters feel so real because their lives are both seconds and lifetimes all at once. During the whole five seasons, the characters only age five years, and yet I'm left feeling like I knew them from life until death. The show takes the cliche saying of "live everyday as if it is your last" and makes you see beyond the desire to live as hard as possible in as short as possible. It makes you embrace the moments you have, the opportunities you have, and tells you that "yes, time does somewhat make you feel better." The central thing that I took out of it was that as time passes, you realize that all the horrible things that happen in a person's lifetime only hold as much weight as you allow them to. Truly the best and most engaging television show. The creator and director is the same guy who made True Blood into an HBO series, Alan Ball.

Before I Ever Knew...

When I first started writing on my blog, I used the desktop computer in my living room at home. I used to play Death Cab for Cutie's album Plans when I was home alone and belt out all the lyrics. Some of the songs made me cry. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I assumed I was feeling love or something. But now I know that I had no clue to what I was feeling. I still don't. When you watch too many romance movies that tell you how to feel and what to do to find love, you get kinda lost. I don't know what's right anymore and I don't think I'll ever know. Maybe that's the point. You're not supposed to understand why you pull away, give up, cry to songs, over dramatize the little things, or fall in "love" over and over again. Will we get over it? Knowing if we will or wont doesn't mean anything really. All we can do is try and move on to something better. I threw away my first love/my security blanket and now all I have is myself. I'm not sure how I feel. For a person who can write a bunch of crap about her feelings on her blog, it's funny that I don't know how to understand them.

It's weird looking back at the little things I did in the past. I guess this is what getting older feels like. Hopefully I'll live long enough to feel like this more.

Last night I had a nightmare that my Dad died. I'm not sure what made my subconscious come up with something so sadistic. I hate dreams that love to fuck with your mind. Perhaps I feel guilty because he probably thinks that I hate him. I really don't. All I dream about are things that make me feel guilty... oh and things like cats morphing into cockroaches. But that's a whole other story.

I Really Like Him

I really do.
But I don't want to be a girlfriend. At least I don't think it would be right. Not right now. But I think about him all the time. Does he think about me? I text him and hope he'll reply. I wait and stress about school and cry and breakdown and even hallucinate at little.

I'm glad you replied - my heart was about to beat too fast and die.

... was I that close to death last night? If so, all I could think about was you
and who would be there to talk to
while I cried, with fear
suffocating me as I died.

How poetic and romantic would be death by a pounding heart?

I have already received more than I could ever deserve
from this world - a new start.