Today

I got a "mole" on my back removed. Mole sounds so gross. I picture a big brown lump with a long black hair growing out of it. My "mole" was more like a freckle. Anyways, I went to the doctor's this morning not really knowing what to expect.

So I get there and undress, I lay down on a table and the doctor sticks a needle in my back and injects me with numbing solution. I really hate needles. But this wasn't too uncomfortable. She then took this hole-punch-looking thing and pressed it onto the mole. I didn't feel a thing. She then put two stitches in my back to close me up. I will have a scar, but that's ok. At least I wont have cancer.

I was a total champ. I didn't whine or feel sick or anything... Until I went to make a follow up appointment with a secretary immediately after. I felt fine as I waited in the line up... then I became incredibly tired and dizzy. My eyes couldn't focus and when I got up to the front of the line I saw that the secretary was talking to me, but I couldn't hear her. I know I replied to what I thought she said, but I couldn't even hear myself because my ears were ringing. I started breaking out into a cold sweat, and I guess I became super pale because the secretary jumped up and ran to my side. She guided me to a chair and went to get a nurse. By then I was past the point of actually fainting.

I spend about half an hour in a room where people were getting vaccinated... not a great place to put someone who hates needles and almost fainted. But I survived, they gave me apple juice which helped a lot. They asked me if I had anyone with me... I didn't, and thinking about not having anyone around made me sad, and made me miss "he who must not be named".

Then I left. Now the pain killer stuff they shot into my back has worn off and every time move I feel like I'm being pinched. Sleeping is not going to be fun. I'm going to get the stitches out in a week. My biggest fear is that I might rip one of them. I'm glad there's a huge bandage on my back because I really really don't want to see what kind of gore fest is happening back there! haha fun day :D Well it was just another adventure I guess.

Cheer me up, cheer me up. I'm a miserable fuck.

Yesterday, I went house hunting with my friend Taryn. We found an alright place... I didn't really notice if it was good or bad because the tenants had the cutest kitten! :) I love kitties. I'm going to get one and name him pickles. He can play with my mouse Dennis and I'll have a happy family of aminals ^.^

I really hate being lazy all the time. But I can't help it. I really don't have any particular reason to move, get up and go. I'm feeling sick again... surprise surprise. I'm an invalid and it's not changing anytime soon.
Speaking of sickness, I've been thinking about sadness and depression and it's scaring the hell out of me. Colds, swine flu, hangovers, you can just sit back and let your body fight. But, when your head isn't right, sitting back and letting go is the last thing you should do. I feel helpless, useless, and just plain lumpy. I'm a lump. I think my bed has annexed my body.
Ugh. I can't bring myself to throw out things that my ex gave me like his shirt and all the gifts. I know he threw out everything of mine, but I just can't. They hold so many good memories. And in all honesty, I would rather be surrounded by sadness brought on by the happy things gone by than bitterness and hatred created as a defense from pain.

Make fun of me.

Here's a list of things that people could possibly make fun of me for:

- I'm a vegetarian
- I'm cross-eyed
- I'm really awkward
- I live in a swamp
- I don't have my license
- I've done dumb things
- I'm not religious or spiritual in anyway
- I'm kinda a feminist
- I don't workout that often
- Sometimes I wear ugly things and am not aware of it until later on in life
- I was an ugly kid and still am
- I'm into arts in university... so I'm not smart in the eyes of the science people!
- I can never make decisions for myself, I usually screw up
- I try and usually fail in hilarious ways
- I can't argue very well
- I make pitiful lists like this
- I get lost in the past
- I don't make friends easily
- I'm confused about what I'm doing in my life

My mom would say that all these things are what the perfect man would love about me... but that's my mom.

Anyways, this all started because I'm an idiot and I looked at my ex's blog. I cried so much I actually threw up.... I know eh? Never happened before. He wrote something about talking to his mom about me and laughing about me and our relationship. It hurt a lot. After all, our relationship wasn't laughable. It was great. I loved spending time with him and I thought he did too. Maybe he's just writing these things to help him get over me, to not care anymore. I think that's the worst way to live. Why should you forget all the great moments in your life? Why should you destroy what made you who you are and what made you happy once?

I wouldn't care if he was dating someone else, I care so much that all the good memories of our relationship are laughable to him. That I am worthless.

I can't establish this enough, I am so fucking self-conscious I think I might be insane.

I Think I Should Have Come With a Warning Sign Tattoed on My Heart

I really should be doing the copious amount of work on my plate right now. But, I really don't feel like writing a book review. I get sick way too often. It could be the drinking, the smoking, the constant stress, but I think it's because I'm falling apart. I believe that there is a direct correlation between the mess I'm in and the state of my mind. Seems pretty obvious.

Anyways, I like it here. In this giant concrete building full of crazy teens, breaking windows with their asses, pulling fire alarms at 2am, and causing a general ruckus. I also love it here. When you're sick, there are people that give a shit. You have no idea how many people offered me tea to help me feel better. But, the thing is, all I really need is time. Time is always seen as a bad thing. We fear it as we get older, we curse it when we die. I've been watching too much Six Feet Under. Damn that show is depressing. I think I spent at least 13 hours yesterday watching one episode after another... It doesn't really open your eyes to anything new. Everyone dies, people cheat on each other, people often die alone/young/old, sometimes people let each other down, and in the end it really doesn't matter where you go when you die. If heaven is real, then that's awesome, but for a lot of us, our lives are our hell. One of my greatest fears is to never get out of this mess I've made. One of my greatest hopes is to be an extra in a zombie movie. But, overall, I want to fix more hearts than I break. Maybe I'm not the right person for the job though, soon I'll figure it out and perhaps I should become a funeral director like the brothers on Six Feet Under. Then I wont have to worry about hurting people.

Anyways, back to work to keep my mind off of my sickness. I hope it will go away soon, but then again it's kinda comforting to feel the constant effects of my misery. I need to keep telling myself that the world is a beautiful place and that I'm in a wonderful situation in life. I need to forget the fact that I'm inexperienced in the ways of the human heart. Someday, hopefully soon I'll learn. Until then I'll save up my money for an ad campaign to warn the world of my insanity.

I think I should write another short story. I haven't written anything creative in a long time.