LCD Soundsystem - "New York, I Love You"

I'm getting kinda sick of being home. There's only so much love I can handle. I miss being on my own. Taking care of myself was fun, but now I'm back home and it's as if I never grew up. And I'm starting to believe that I didn't. I never expected this - even though I should have. After all, I remember my sis hating being home after first year.

I've started running 5K again. I forgot how much I love it. And it's been so long that it hurts and that I feel like giving up. I know I won't though. I love how it's a challenge. One I know I can overcome with time. I ran it in 35 mins - so I'm super out of shape.

I've always heard about LCD Soundsystem, but never took the time to listen to them. I'm glad I finally did. I've been staying up all night lately and it's a perfect time to find new music.

Just knowing... (I think)

that you might be thinking of me too makes me happy. Maybe you're thinking how much you're happier without me or how much you miss the person I used to be. I think about you every second, even if I'm dancing, smiling, eating or sleeping. I think about all the things I should have said on the phone but didn't. I know I miss you more than ever. I wish you would call, but I know you don't want to and wont.

I think being told that my personality isn't the personality you fell in love with made me calm down and appreciate the people that love me just as much as they did before. (MADDY!) It also made me look at the world around me and question why it is so important to do the things I do. I thank you for that.

I think that I'm trying to find happiness here. This might be a school where people drink excessively, but the key is to find those genuine moments where a stranger holds a door for you, smiles at you as you pass by, makes the awkward elevator ride less awkward, or simply asks you how you are doing. The stars still shine here and at the end of the day everyone goes to bed after working their hardest.

I'm still miserable without you and cry when I'm alone in my bed. I wake up every time my phone vibrates with the hope that it's you.

I still miss my home and the days of sitting in my high school's hallways and eating lunch with you on the hill. I'm confused because in my mind I'm that same girl, just in a different environment. It hurts that you'll never talk to me again because you think I'm different and that I'll never be able to prove you wrong.

Tulips in January

My mom dropped me off in Kingston. She drove for 7 hours to get me here and ended up sleeping over until 6am. She just left. When we were saying good-bye I kept telling myself not to cry because I would miss her and I didn't want to be alone. (and after all, I have been crying for the past month and a bit) But, I saw that there were tears in her eyes, and I couldn't hold mine back. I'm glad that I cried with her and hugged her really tight. I'll take all the love I can get.

Anyways, after I said good-bye, I ran up to my room and cried while I watched her drive away. I don't feel as if I've grown up at all. When I was home I started sleeping with my teddy bear again. I've convinced myself that it is giving me comfort from all the sad dreams I've been having. - I have them anyway. I brought it back to Kingston with me, along with a truck load of food as well as flowers. The tulips bloomed already. They made me smile through all the tears and sad sack times I've had today. I want to be grateful for all the things I have, and I believe that I am grateful, but it's hard to tell when what is hurting and what is reality are all twisted together.

My Youth

Last week I went home. I wish I could say that I was happy, but I wasn't. I took the small amount of time I had there for granted and now I miss it more than ever. Driving home, the closer and closer I got, the more I realized that I would have to leave too soon. I would be soon going back to an environment of stress that I could not escape. I am not as strong as I would like to think I am. I rely on my roots, my family, my home for support I could never get elsewhere.

Here I'm surrounded by my future. I think about what would happen if I failed. If I ended up disappointing my family. I'm not some rich kid who can throw away money for education. My parents are struggling to keep me here.

I prefer living in my past. The cozy, quiet past.

But if my parents have worked hard to put me here, then I'm going to work my ass off to stay here. This is the struggle that what will make or break me. There's no doubt that I will stress, or that I will turn to my internet diary for support. As long as I have my thoughts and my love of learning, I will become a stronger person. At the end of the day, all you have is yourself. One day I wish to be happy and I hope that I'm on the right path that will lead me there.

This is my home now. It's about time I put my heart into it.