CONSISTENCY

If you stare at things consistently enough, their consistency begins to break apart and hit you with bone crushing force. It's hot. Sweaty hot. And I'm lying here staring at my fan spinning. I could stare at it for hours and as I watch the blades spin round and round, they would become one moving object. But, in my current state I can see each blade cutting through the air. Consistently, my eyes catch sight of one, then the other. For some reason they seem to tell me something important as if my fan is going to teach me an important life lesson.

There are tiny black flies touching my naked back, my face, landing on my eye lashes and on my computer screen. I'm annoyed, well at least I think I should be. Maybe they are minor annoyances, maybe they are trying to tell me something as well.

I'm trying to make some philosophical finding out of this. I thing I wanted to find was meaning, but now I just see that I've come across and insane. That's cool. I don't want to wait to see what will happen. I want to know what will happen so I don't love just to have a broken heart in the end. That's what I wanted to find. I wanted to find an answer, not meaning. But, now I see that neither the blades of my fan, nor the bugs will give me some mind awakening answer to the problems with my heart.

To Find A Friend

You know how it is like when you are young? You know! Like in kindergarten...

"Do you want to be my friend?"

"Sure! let's be best friends!"

"Sounds awesome! let's go talk about boys and dream about gumdrops and bubble gum castles."

The sad thing is that doesn't seem to work anymore. But, if you make friends in kindergarten then you wont have to worry about making anymore friends that way. My problem is that I have ditched all those people who wanted to be my friend way back in the day. Destined to be alone. Ha. I've made this for myself and only have yours truly to blame. Blame, it seems to be a hot topic in my life. Sad ain't it? Pity and blame. Can't we all just live with peace and love man? Hippies are totally gone! Why is that? They've all been ditched... Hatred and power are taking over and I'm the god damned leader of the pack. I'm pitiful. Pity me. I'm sick and I'm going to sleep. The only place I can hide from your eyes. Forgive me. I'm sort of sorry. Sorry. It is so overused these days. That was the topic of this post FYI. It sort of got lost between the lines a bit. But what I meant to say to those who I have hurt...

To find a friend, turn to the one closest to your left and look in their eyes. I have a feeling they wont be mine.

A Perfect Little Christian World

Late one night, I was having one of my religious talks with my mom, who works at a Catholic school and believes in God. I was confused to why people believe that humans are better than everything on the earth. It started because I was bored so I picked up the "Children's" version of the Bible. The first page talked about how God made the world in seven days and on the sixth day he made man, in his image, to rule over everything and that he gave man something that nothing else had. A fucking Soul. "That means he could speak, think and love." Odd, since it has been proven that animals communicate to each other. I'm pretty sure that when I say Dinner! my dog comes running. My animals know how to love and communicate with each other. Just because a dog cannot speak English doesn't mean that he cannot communicate. For example, I can't speak German. Does that mean that I can't communicate? People actually swallow this bullshit. Sure, it's not supposed to be taken literally, but If you ask anyone, they'll say that animals are not equal to humans. They will laugh at you. My mom sure did. She said something like: They are not smarter than us, they do not have technology, they are not equal to us. Maybe animals do not have technology because they know that they really don't need it. Humans sure don't. If animals needed to walk on two legs, they learn, they evolve. It's called evolution. We are all powerful and above everyone else. The truth is that humans rely on plants and animals to survive. If humans were to disappear one day, the earth would heal. Humans use this idiotic belief that they are better than animals to justify their actions. The actions of murder. Animals feel pain, just listen to their squeals. Animals love, just look them in the eyes. Animal's think, they are intelligent creatures. People's heads are so far up their asses that they can't see that God is a creation of our minds. We are fucking fooling ourselves. We are so far into our own make believe world. Our perfect little Christian world. That we cannot accept change.

We Are All Very Confused Children

I was sitting on the bus today and was thinking about how everyone seems to be looking for something. And once you find whatever you were looking for, there is always something else that you need to find. So if you spend your whole life searching, then you'll never miss anything right? If only it could be that simple. There are so many people searching that it is impossible to find anything or anyone because we are all looking for different things. It's commotion. Right now for example, I'm trying to find my train of thought. Wait... there found it again. See, you find things and you keep searching. For what? It depends. Answers to questions that make no sense, a reason, an idea, an inspiration or even a clue. No matter what happens you just might never find what you are looking for. It's a leap of faith actually. For me, it's more like I leap just because that's what everyone has done before me. Screw faith. Faith just fills your head with bull shit. There is no such thing as a leap of faith. Faith is not courage, it's false information. You're jumping off a bridge, killing everything, not leaping with your eyes closed into the unknown. Try finding reasons for faith's answers. Wait now I see, it's called a leap of faith because you have to be so out of your mind and full of shit to actually believe that searching will help you find anything. So, there it is. I have no idea where I am. Why don't you take a leap of faith. Maybe you'll find me.