"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."
Here's a list of things that people could possibly make fun of me for:
- I'm a vegetarian - I'm cross-eyed - I'm really awkward - I live in a swamp - I don't have my license - I've done dumb things - I'm not religious or spiritual in anyway - I'm kinda a feminist - I don't workout that often - Sometimes I wear ugly things and am not aware of it until later on in life - I was an ugly kid and still am - I'm into arts in university... so I'm not smart in the eyes of the science people! - I can never make decisions for myself, I usually screw up - I try and usually fail in hilarious ways - I can't argue very well - I make pitiful lists like this - I get lost in the past - I don't make friends easily - I'm confused about what I'm doing in my life
My mom would say that all these things are what the perfect man would love about me... but that's my mom.
Anyways, this all started because I'm an idiot and I looked at my ex's blog. I cried so much I actually threw up.... I know eh? Never happened before. He wrote something about talking to his mom about me and laughing about me and our relationship. It hurt a lot. After all, our relationship wasn't laughable. It was great. I loved spending time with him and I thought he did too. Maybe he's just writing these things to help him get over me, to not care anymore. I think that's the worst way to live. Why should you forget all the great moments in your life? Why should you destroy what made you who you are and what made you happy once?
I wouldn't care if he was dating someone else, I care so much that all the good memories of our relationship are laughable to him. That I am worthless.
I can't establish this enough, I am so fucking self-conscious I think I might be insane.
I've seen the hardest people soften in the spotlight
Won't you stop and breathe, tell me what you want to feel
I could draw on all these things, baby I feel this beauty pull me to a
Soft and warm, I know this all I need, why don't we learn to grieve Baby I'd leave you for the person you used to be
They are my new Said the Whale.
Looking at the last three years of posts on this blog you can easily tell when I am happy and when I'm not. 2008 - Lots of post because I'm a depressed teen. 2009 - Very few posts because I'm in love and crazy about school. 2010 - Lots of posts because I'm not so crazy about school, boy drama and sad times start again. Hopefully in 2011 I'll have few posts again. New Years resolution: Get my freaking head back in working order... or fall deeper into insanity, lock myself in my room and write the next bestselling novel/popular movie franchise. Both have their benefits.
I'd like to apologize for all the sad bullshit I've been posting lately. At the rate I'm going, it's not going to end anytime soon. But, I'm a mess and writing about it helps. Also... zen music. That helps too.
So ya, I dumped a guy because we made each other miserable. For awhile I thought I would be ok. I didn't think about him every second of everyday. I pursued other guys and knowing that other guys liked me helped as well. He would call me at least 2-3 times a week to try and win me back. Me: thinking that I was already over him, told him to get over me and start dating other people. Now we haven't talked in weeks and I'm at home surrounded by memories. And to top it all off it's fucking Christmas, where all the songs are about spending Christmas with the one you love or spending it miserable and alone. So, now I know exactly how he was feeling when he said that he thinks about me everyday. I know that he's probably not anymore. That's a reasonable assumption. He said something about dreaming about me despite trying to get over me.
I had a dream last night that I was alone at an amusement park. I love the ferris wheel, so I was got on alone and when I was waiting for it to start, he got in with me. He didn't say anything, just sat beside me and let me rest my head on his shoulder while he put his arm around me. (I miss the little things.) And then I woke up. I wanted to go back so badly that I stayed all day in bed.
I'm like the kid that doesn't want a toy when no one's playing with it, but as soon as it's taken away she cries and cries and begs for it back. I just want to be normal again. Happy.
I read somewhere that love is like a drug; When you go cold turkey you experience an addict's withdrawal symptoms. I can vouch for that. I find it hard to get to sleep and to get out of bed in the morning. Every happy song seems depressing. Little things stab at my bleeding heart and I hold back tears. I wish I could restart my heart on a different track. I wish Bon Iver didn't remind me of being loved. I miss the little simple things that I took for granted. The hand holding, having a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh at your dumb jokes, stare at you forever because they truly believe that you're beautiful, listening to sweet music, falling asleep being held and not waking up feeling alone and unloved. I wish I could hide away in these memories, but they make me so sad because I threw them away. Life became too complicated and love was lost. And I miss it so much every second of every day. I feel like the only lonely person in the world and I would do anything not to be alone.
I just came up with an idea that would make me a billionaire. Broken heart t-shirts. If you're sad and miserable because you're alone and no one loves you... where a shirt that tells the world. It'll explain why your smile looks so fake and every love song brings tears to your eyes! TA-DA! You're no longer that weirdo that is so emotionally deranged; you're that poor brokenhearted person... one of many... of billions. I'd be wearing one right now!
If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.
We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.
There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).
And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.
And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.
The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community. And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself
Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.
You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.
Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.
It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.
And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.
you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it If your heart is bleeding make the best of it There is heat in freezing, be a testament.
I've been listening to old Christmas music and it's all so depressing. Most of the songs are about being alone for Christmas... woohoo... None the less, I'm enjoying it.
