Future Puppies

I've always loved big dopey dogs. They are so cute as puppies. Right now, I would love a bernese mountain dog or a miniature golden doodle :D

PLEASE GIMMIE GIMMIE PLLLLLLEASE: Rayban Wayfarers!!!!

Going For a Drive

I went for a drive with my friend. His car smelt like cherries. It was fun being in a car for the first time in months. Hopefully I'll get my license soon so I wont feel like a dependent child anymore.

I can't wait to go home for Christmas. I miss my family. It's going to suck leaving my friends though, but the holiday will fly by. I hope that I get to see my friends and arrange a party or something. I haven't ever really partied with them without doing something stupid and ruining it. Maybe I'll buy some p for Maddy haha. She's been up to no good in university ;) I miss her. A lot of people and conversations here are reminding me of how awesome my friends back at home are.

I have 3 exams left. English on Tuesday, Sociology on Thursday and Philosophy on Friday. :D It's almost over!!!!

Repost: Wholesum Family Fun (July 2nd, 2008)

I should be babysitting right now. I should be sitting on the couch with nothing on my mind. I should be happy knowing that I haven't made my mom cry. But I'm not. I'm here, luckily. I'm here at this desk typing. Typing, without stopping to think about what I did. To myself. But most of all to those around me. I can't forget the people in the park with their kids. It was right after we drank. We were falling. And stopped at the side of the trail. I remember the people. The last thing I remember actually. They were happy. Really happy. Genuinely. They didn't need alcohol. Fucking goofy smiles.
Two days later.
I haven't been able to complete this post. Wait... Let me rephrase. I just didn't want to think about it really. I'm ashamed. The hospital gave me more than I deserved. I deserve to feel like shit, puking up my guts. I want to remember it all, so I can hate myself. They drained me. They took the poison from my vanes. I'm finding it hard to spell. My head is pounding. I just wanted to confront it. I've been punched in the chest. They told me my heart was beating irregularly. I want to look at all that happened and see the damage. I need it written down. In plain sight. I can see a little better now. I couldn't see my parents faces. I knew they were there, sitting beside my bed. They are hurt. I hurt them. I can't see their faces. I don't want to see them. To see pain. They will always remember the pain. I can't. I was unconscious. Is it any better? To be oblivious to the hurt? This isn't going to blow over fast. They will look at me. I made a mistake. they will talk. It was stupid. They will judge. I deserve it all. They will see me. It's more than I could ever do. Take a good look. I'm finding it so hard to see. I can't breathe, I can't spell and I can't stand it anymore. I'm so fucking stupid. I pride myself on being so fucking smart. I'm not. Not really. At least everyone will see it now. I'm not who they thought I was. I've been hiding from this. But now it's out in the open. Written down. I can't delete it now. I can see everything. I made a mistake. It's nobodies fault but mine. I could have been dead. But I'm not. I'm here, luckily.

How you've grown my little bird. I'm regretting letting you fly.

I Really Like Him

I really do.
But I don't want to be a girlfriend. At least I don't think it would be right. Not right now. But I think about him all the time. Does he think about me? I text him and hope he'll reply. I wait and stress about school and cry and breakdown and even hallucinate at little.

I'm glad you replied - my heart was about to beat too fast and die.

... was I that close to death last night? If so, all I could think about was you
and who would be there to talk to
while I cried, with fear
suffocating me as I died.

How poetic and romantic would be death by a pounding heart?

I have already received more than I could ever deserve
from this world - a new start.

The Stupid Things in Life

Since I've been in University, I have started to wonder what exactly makes people do stupid things. There's no doubt to the fact I've done a lot of stupid things in my life - some that I really should regret and perhaps never talk about again... but what's the fun in that? Anyways, I have two major exams tomorrow, so I'll try and wrap this up quickly with a convenient list of the top 7 stupid things I've sadly done, in no particular order:

7. Kissing my friend. Things became super awkward.
6. Taking one puff of a cigarette and hating it -don't worry, it was gross- (Swore to myself I never would when my aunt died of breast cancer.)
5. Vodka hospital list/Disappointing my parents.
4. Getting drunk and completely naked, somehow ending up in my friend's dad's office wrapped in a foam mattress cover.
3. Almost pulling out into oncoming traffic during a driver's lesson.
2. Drinking two energy drinks, smoking, and also drinking beer all in one night.
1. Accidentally (stupidly) taking too much medicine for my cold on an empty stomach -last night- and thus ended up puking and hallucinating for hours.

The funny thing is that I started off with a list of 5 and just started coming up with more. I'm just glad that I came out of all these experiences alive. I wonder if everyone has crazy stories to tell. I didn't think that I had much to hide until I considered all the crap that has happened over the years.

A sane person would say that they would go back in time and change it all. But, if time travel movies have taught us anything, it's that no matter how often time repeats itself, you'll probably just end up doing the same things over again:

I kissed my friend because I liked him. I knew it would be awkward in the morning, but at the time I didn't care. I wanted him to know.

I took that puff of the cigarette because it was offered and at the time I wasn't thinking for myself.

The vodka hospital visit happened because I honestly didn't know how much alcohol to drink or that alcohol effects people so quickly.

I got drunk at my friend's for fun, I passed out in her bed and that's all I remember. It was the first time I ever blacked out (without a hospital visit). The shit that happened after, happened without me being fully conscious.

My driving slip up happened because I don't pay enough attention when I'm driving. I'm insecure about my eyesight and once I get stressed I can't concentrate.

All the drinking, smoking and alcohol consumption happened because I wanted to see what it felt like.

And finally, last night was stupid because I didn't eat and took medicine. But, because I'm sick I don't have an appetite.

All of these things happened because of the choices I made, many which were made without better judgment. But the one thing I can't stand is being with someone who is a constant reminder of these sad and very embarrassing lessons I've learned. Afterall, I have my own fine memory. An outsider, father figure, telling me what is best without participation or passion, is the last thing I need. Unless you're standing next to me when I'm about to fuck up, you have no right to tell me you told me so or that you have a right to look down on me. I'd rather be in this big fucked up world of stupid experimenting human beings than in a glass world of naive robot perfection and isolation.

Last Night: Boy Time

All the girls went home to study for exams; all of the girls except for me and Rohan's friend. Everyone, but mostly Dylan, was trying to wheel the other girl because she was really pretty. But in the end her grandma called her and asked her to come home. That was the chirp of the night: "Dylan got cock blocked by grandma".

I was so fun hanging with the guys. Although, being the only girl from the floor, I got chirped a lot. I was the DJ for the night. I sat at Cole's laptop and took requests, mostly because I ran out of beer and Mike left (he was spotting me some). We played quarters, hockey, beer pong and COD. I lost at COD. It was Dylan against Fernando, Andy and me. I didn't kill anyone. I've actually never killed anyone in COD. It is probably the hardest game to play while intoxicated. Anyways, the three of us losing to Dylan meant that we had to streak. I left my bra and panties on of course.


It was one of those crazy nights that only happen once. For a good reason too, I lived a little to much last night. Now it's time to study Psychology and Canadian History like the good university student that I am.