I know the answer, it's pretty simple. No matter how many times I tell myself that he's not right for me, I'll always love him. He can go ahead and flirt with other girls, I destroyed everything because I am so FUCKING confused and I feel like screaming. I fucked around thinking that maybe I'd find someone who could fill this goddamned void I carved out of my life. I have no idea how to act, how to dress, look, flirt, survive, succeed, stay together... etc etc. I tell myself that I will be loved again, but I don't deserve it and I don't believe it. Three boys have loved me in my life and I threw them away. Maybe I'll end up a crazy cat lady. Love scares me, it's way too intense. I'm not happy, I haven't been happy. Things have been blowing up in my face because I stupidly do things (like accidentally pop balloons and spray frebreeze on lightblubs) that result in me shaking uncontrollably. I never experienced this kind of nervous attack before. I feel like I'm cold all over and sick with some kind of flu. The past few weeks I was pleased by lies. This whole ordeal is a complete mess. I hate coming home to the place where I met him. I tell my family that I'm an emotional wreck, but it sounds so dramatic... and it is. I'm really happy for him. I set him free at at time where he is "at the top of his game." I wish I could move on emotionally. But when guys flirt with me, I just want to punch them in the face. Well, I'd try to and probably fail miserably.
I hope the nervous shaking stops soon. I hope that my body doesn't quit on me after all the unnecessary things I've put it though. I sorry body :s please forgive me. I'm acting too much like myself.
Anyways, I'm not tired, so I'm probably going to watch old videos that I filmed with my friends from centennial. Fun times. For more fun here's me as I write this post (notice the tears, the very dramatic tears). Oh man... at least I can laugh at myself. I've still got that :D
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