Before I Ever Knew...

When I first started writing on my blog, I used the desktop computer in my living room at home. I used to play Death Cab for Cutie's album Plans when I was home alone and belt out all the lyrics. Some of the songs made me cry. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I assumed I was feeling love or something. But now I know that I had no clue to what I was feeling. I still don't. When you watch too many romance movies that tell you how to feel and what to do to find love, you get kinda lost. I don't know what's right anymore and I don't think I'll ever know. Maybe that's the point. You're not supposed to understand why you pull away, give up, cry to songs, over dramatize the little things, or fall in "love" over and over again. Will we get over it? Knowing if we will or wont doesn't mean anything really. All we can do is try and move on to something better. I threw away my first love/my security blanket and now all I have is myself. I'm not sure how I feel. For a person who can write a bunch of crap about her feelings on her blog, it's funny that I don't know how to understand them.

It's weird looking back at the little things I did in the past. I guess this is what getting older feels like. Hopefully I'll live long enough to feel like this more.

Last night I had a nightmare that my Dad died. I'm not sure what made my subconscious come up with something so sadistic. I hate dreams that love to fuck with your mind. Perhaps I feel guilty because he probably thinks that I hate him. I really don't. All I dream about are things that make me feel guilty... oh and things like cats morphing into cockroaches. But that's a whole other story.