Before.

I used to look at couples and be filled with jealously. I would then hear my sister complain about one of her boyfriends and I would want to scream: "You are so lucky to have someone." When people are in relationships they want out, but when they're alone, they would trade anything to be in one. It's a vicious cycle.
The one thing I learned about myself is that I treat people as if they were disposable. Mostly because I don't value myself and so, why should I value the feelings of others? I tell myself that I don't care, but after it's all done, I do care. I'm childish in this way, willfully blind against any wrong doing; that is, until I can't simply shield reality from myself any longer.
All in all, I'm terrified. Although, it helps that I'm not alone. I know that I'm not alone. Everyone is terrified in their own ways of course. This is the very first time I've felt so entirely useless, stuck in a pile of mud that I knew was right under me the whole time.
I'm scared of sickness, of cancerous moles, my weakening eyesight, bad grades, never finding love again, losing friends, not making friends, mental illness, self-loathing, and countless other things that look so stupid when I write them down.
I'm going to try and stay up all night to get my sleep back on track for school. I'm excited to work out again too. Running always makes me feel like a warrior and it clears my mind. I obviously need my head cleared, the headaches have started and my hands are shaking more than ever. I've become a fickle old woman at the age of 18. Damn, I'm still so young!