Ellie Goulding - "Lights (Bassnectar Remix)"

Dirty.

Love is a lovely joke.

I hate the fact I allowed myself to hate someone who loved me. Sure, it's over. But, now I need to realize I was on a roller-coaster ride of emotional foolishness. Hmm. That pretty much sums up love.

(I googled roller-coaster of love and this came up. It completely and accurately sums up the rest of my post.)

The build up is great and your heartbeat deafens your ears - then you fall madly, letting go of everything but the moment. Your head is lost and you grab onto the only person as lost and as scared as you are. But soon you'll find there will be inevitable lulls between the ups and the downs. This is where the ride is truly tested. Will they hold your hand no matter what and talk you through the suspense? And if, at the end, you make it through without puking... you've found the one.

Don Diablo - "99 Fences"

What a beaut.

So here I am.

I'm been listening to great up-beat music lately. Part of me misses those heart throbbing Bon Iver-type songs I used to listen to all the time. But I can't bring myself to listen to them, not now. Not when things are looking up. I told myself that time has made everything better. However, I'm starting to believe that time has nothing to do with it. I've been bandaged up and my bruised ego has healed. Now I just worry the things that patched me up will lose their adhesion and I'll be left as pathetic as I was before. Fuck I was a miserable human being. I embarrassed myself for months. It freaks me out to think that the same thing could happen again. I guess that's why living under a rock has the potential to be comforting.

I could never do that though. There's no fun in living without fear of pain. The problem is that we can never see an end to pain. But, ends do come and happiness happens. So live it up and blindly step into the future.

I'm learning to enjoy the quest to find something better. That's pretty much the only thing keeping me together.

Chairlift - "Bruises"

This song reminds me of all the cool, interesting and complex people I met in Kingston. I miss them all terribly. Once again, I find I would rather have good permanent friends in my life than a romantic relationship that may or may not last.

Linkin Park - "Lying From You"

My childhood. Ya - I was a BAMF.

Let the good times roll

I never really dated much in high school. I'm making up for it now though. I've met some great people who are fun to talk to and live interesting lives. Dark days seem far behind me. There is definitely some more heart break in my future, but for now I'm enjoying the fact guys are swarming me for attention.

Sleeping and dreaming and the men in my head.

It's a little unsettling to be head fucked by your subconscious mind in your sleep. That's just a low blow man.

Noah and the Whale - "L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N."

Stornoway - "I Saw You Blink"

"Are you the one I've been waiting for? I saw you blink and I missed your eyes, your blue eyes."

Paul Simon - "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover"

It's been awhile.

I think it's because I'm not so miserable anymore. Damn.

Comparisons

Everyone should get a taste of what it feels to be completely lost in someone else. Not having that feeling anymore sucks, but it was worth it. All these ups and downs, regrets, anger - insanity, they are all worth it. Maybe I'll never find that again. But I have I feeling I will. I fall in love with everything so easily. Sure, I'll never have that same love again - it will always be my first. If time proves that it happened to be my best as well, then I can be happy knowing that was lucky enough to have that once.

UR A GLORIOUS HEADFUCK THING... OWN IT.

Dog Is Dead - "Young"

Hold your breath and count to ten.
We're losing touch, we're losing friends.
But we're young!

"Holy Fuck" - Red Lights

Million Young - "Weak Ends"

You ask me to define myself. I'll going to tell you that I'm an electronic beating heart.

Us girls.

Some boys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest of the world
I want to be the one to walk in the sun
Oh girls they want to have fun

It rings true.

Have you ever watched a movie, a show or read a book where a certain situation hits too close to home? Well it happened to me when I watched the series finale of Secret Diary and it killed me. I'll always love that show. And they just HAD to play the saddest, loneliest song in the history of songs at the end...

The Drums - "Book of Stories"

Summer music to the max.

Angus & Julia Stone - "Just A Boy"

This song is my favourite song of all time. I absolutely crave it every second of the day!!!!! ... Tomorrow I'll probably be so sick of it... but right now I want to curl up into this song like a fluffy clean laundry-scented blanket and fall asleep.

Damhnait Doyle - "I Want You To Want Me"

"She was something of a dream."

And she told herself that everything would be alright.
(Check out Angus and Julia Stone. They are an amazing brother/sister folk duo.)


It's ridiculous how much a cry. I think I could cure a drought somewhere in the world.

The Sentimental Side of Fornication

I love Californication! Here's the sweetest letter (it's so sweet it makes my poor silly heart hurt and my watery eyes all watery) that Hank writes to Karen after he thinks that he'll never see her again:

Dear Karen...
if you're reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it.
So, good for me.
You don't know me very well but you get me started, I have a tendency to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me.
But this... this is the hardest thing I've ever had to write.
There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it.
I met someone.
It was an accident.
I wasn't looking for it. I wasn't on the make.
It was a perfect storm. She said one thing. I said another.
Next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation.
Now there's this feeling in my gut.
She might be the one.
She's completely nuts... in a way that makes me smile - highly neurotic.
A great deal of maintenance required.
She is you, Karen.
That's the good news.
The bad is that I don't know how to be with you right now.
And it scares the shit out of me.
Because if I'm not with you right now, I have this feeling we'll get lost out there.
It's a big, bad world full of twists and turns, and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment... the moment that could've changed everything.
I don't know what's going on with us, and I can't tell you why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me...
but, damn, you smell good - like home.
And you make excellent coffee.
That's got to count for something, right?
Call me.
Unfaithfully yours, Hank Moody.

That's right. I said it.

My Epic Tale.

I'd like to discuss a dream I had during a nap today. Past all the normal dream bullshit, one part that sticks with me is the part where I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe and someone I love was sitting next to me, angry as hell and repeating: "Didn't you keep anything?".

The subconscious is an incredible thing. When I woke up all I could think about was that it was referring to my ex's things, but I soon realized that it meant something else that I didn't think about on the surface everyday - but until I heard it being asked, I understood why I've been so miserable. I've simply been punishing myself for supposedly becoming a different person, an awful person. Someone I loved said that they no longer loved the person I have become and it made me confused as to who I am, who I was and who I want to been. The thing is, I am who I've always been. I want to blame my hurt on someone, but they didn't have a clue how easily I could be abused.

My first ever relationship was with a boy who unintentionally questioned my identity. On the surface his comments weren't that bad, but when I constantly felt the need to defend and justify all my actions to someone my love-struck mind found perfect, I knew that it was either end it or go insane.

I went away to school in Kingston and it was the perfect chance for him to amp up his judgmental ways and group me in with the girls he never liked. I felt like I always had to prove to him that I wasn't like those girls. So I guess when I went away, I embraced all the things I avoided because of him. I hung out with people and I made friends. I escaped and I lived. Never once did I do anything with anyone else or even consider it.

So to answer the question that has plagued my relationship and my dreams ("Didn't you keep anything?"): Yes. I kept everything. The fact that I couldn't throw the feelings towards my first love away proves that. I have exactly the same morals, interests and values I've always had. I would still choose to read a book over going out, I am still a hippy hipster and enjoy a good argument. I think the only thing I didn't keep was the same judgmental attitude that keeps some people in a world of hate. I make friends and I enjoy the company of others, especially the type of people who don't care whether I'm a geek, a loner, a drunk, a stoner, or a prep.

I think the moral of this story is that it's so easy to revert to judgmental attitudes and question why people act the way they do to avoid looking deeper and realizing that everyone has a story to tell. I wish I could have know all these things about myself months ago.

Adele - "Someone Like You"

She's beautiful!

My yoga guru!

She's amazing!

Me Month

aka self-love, super improvement, (to please no one but yourself!) month. I only started yesterday, so I'll go for 29 more days after today.

Here are my goals!

1. 1 hour of yoga everyday. (He reminds me of my bro!)2. Drink lots of water. Yeah!3. Eat healthy, stay away from pop, beer, chips and fried foods... and while I eat healthy I must look great too!4. Whiten my teeth with white strips (and smile awkwardly...)5. Stop straightening my hair so often so it will grow faster. (This guy knows what's up.)6. Do my readings for class. I actually don't find studying boring at all!7. Have a positive attitude :D like this monkey. He's so happy on his happy birthday!

If I follow a strict schedule, I think I will easily be able to achieve my goals! (I'm whitening my teeth right now :) and if I feel happier, stronger and most importantly - loved by myself, I'll stick with it... I probably wont do yoga for an hour everyday next month, but I'll switch to high intensity 3 times a week or if it's nice, I'll start running outside again.

Freelance Whales - "Generator 2nd Floor"

This is another one of my happy sad songs. It's about mortality and loving yourself for the short time you're here.