My Epic Tale.

I'd like to discuss a dream I had during a nap today. Past all the normal dream bullshit, one part that sticks with me is the part where I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe and someone I love was sitting next to me, angry as hell and repeating: "Didn't you keep anything?".

The subconscious is an incredible thing. When I woke up all I could think about was that it was referring to my ex's things, but I soon realized that it meant something else that I didn't think about on the surface everyday - but until I heard it being asked, I understood why I've been so miserable. I've simply been punishing myself for supposedly becoming a different person, an awful person. Someone I loved said that they no longer loved the person I have become and it made me confused as to who I am, who I was and who I want to been. The thing is, I am who I've always been. I want to blame my hurt on someone, but they didn't have a clue how easily I could be abused.

My first ever relationship was with a boy who unintentionally questioned my identity. On the surface his comments weren't that bad, but when I constantly felt the need to defend and justify all my actions to someone my love-struck mind found perfect, I knew that it was either end it or go insane.

I went away to school in Kingston and it was the perfect chance for him to amp up his judgmental ways and group me in with the girls he never liked. I felt like I always had to prove to him that I wasn't like those girls. So I guess when I went away, I embraced all the things I avoided because of him. I hung out with people and I made friends. I escaped and I lived. Never once did I do anything with anyone else or even consider it.

So to answer the question that has plagued my relationship and my dreams ("Didn't you keep anything?"): Yes. I kept everything. The fact that I couldn't throw the feelings towards my first love away proves that. I have exactly the same morals, interests and values I've always had. I would still choose to read a book over going out, I am still a hippy hipster and enjoy a good argument. I think the only thing I didn't keep was the same judgmental attitude that keeps some people in a world of hate. I make friends and I enjoy the company of others, especially the type of people who don't care whether I'm a geek, a loner, a drunk, a stoner, or a prep.

I think the moral of this story is that it's so easy to revert to judgmental attitudes and question why people act the way they do to avoid looking deeper and realizing that everyone has a story to tell. I wish I could have know all these things about myself months ago.