People

"People tell us who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be." - Don Draper from Mad Men Episode: The Summer Man

Powerlessness

I keep having dreams that I'm being shot and killed. I hate how terrifyingly real dreams can feel.

"Shooting someone or being shot yourself is a fearful and violent dream experience. It may reflect aggression, powerlessness, release of strong and dangerous emotions, and/or symbolize a conclusive event in a particular situation or relationship."

I know dreams can be total bullshit. I have had dreams about some pretty weird things, but the feeling of being completely powerless keeps returning and fucking with my head. I have to deal with this feeling all day, why does it have to haunt me at night too?

Damien Rice - "Hallelujah"

Said the Whale - "A Cold Night Close to the End"

"And if we are to die tonight, then I pray with my heart that you'll love me forever. And at least we will be there together."

uh oh

Yup.

Lovely love.

I will always picture you in my mind as a happy boy in love, who is now loving despite having loved and lost.

Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I'm scared to reach out (bringing back insanity)

for the fear of pulling something unwanted back is too strong.

I have my eyes held tightly shut.

I can't tell where I am,
and I can only guess as to where you are.
It's the guessing that getting to me.

I'd like to know where my other half is and if he's alright.
But I know that I indefinitely gave up
all privileges to that knowledge.

I hold my eye so tight because the rest of me is unraveling.

---- Ah, Fuck it. ----

I should just embrace it.
Grasp all the swirling pieces of myself, all this shit:
then
Jump off a cliff and hope to God I fly.

And I'll say farewell to the love drug
my pants are staying on honey bunch
- so go back to fucking your friends
and go to bed alone
and while you're at it
- go smack your head full of reality.
(This can be obtained through excessive contact with a brick wall)

You're living in your dreams babe.
Time to wake up,
your sweet mommy's not holding your hand anymore.

The moral of this story is:

I'm above giving into my bodily urges

After all, "I'm a fucking bird" I tell you.
So: goodbye, farewell, I bid you adeu!
And I'll float off like Jeffrey in his hot air balloon.

Built for the Sea - "Release"

"The world needs you. And I do too."

Only love can break your heart by Neil Young

When you were young
and on your own
How did it feel
to be alone?
I was always thinking
of games that I was playing.
Trying to make
the best of my time.

But only love
can break your heart
Try to be sure
right from the start
Yes only love
can break your heart
What if your world
should fall apart?

I have a friend
I've never seen
He hides his head
inside a dream
Someone should call him
and see if he can come out.
Try to lose
the down that he's found.

But only love
can break your heart
Try to be sure
right from the start
Yes only love
can break your heart
What if your world
should fall apart?

I have a friend
I've never seen
He hides his head
inside a dream
Yes, only love
can break your heart
Yes, only love
can break your heart

I Blame Coco - "Selfmachine"

I Blame Coco feat. Robyn - "Caesar"

YEAHHHH

On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'

The Notorious B.I.G - "Hypnotize"

Sexy ass music.

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop (1911 - 1979)

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Lily Allen - "Nan You're A Window Shopper"

Best song about grandmas I've heard :D

Iron & Wine - "Half Moon"

The xx - "Crystalised"

Haha best youtube comment: "This music feels like the first time I touched myself!!"

You're with me...

Oz - It was stupid to think that you'd just be... waiting.
Willow - I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired and I turn the corner in Istanbul, and there you are. I won't be surprised... Because you're with me, you know?

Today

I got a "mole" on my back removed. Mole sounds so gross. I picture a big brown lump with a long black hair growing out of it. My "mole" was more like a freckle. Anyways, I went to the doctor's this morning not really knowing what to expect.

So I get there and undress, I lay down on a table and the doctor sticks a needle in my back and injects me with numbing solution. I really hate needles. But this wasn't too uncomfortable. She then took this hole-punch-looking thing and pressed it onto the mole. I didn't feel a thing. She then put two stitches in my back to close me up. I will have a scar, but that's ok. At least I wont have cancer.

I was a total champ. I didn't whine or feel sick or anything... Until I went to make a follow up appointment with a secretary immediately after. I felt fine as I waited in the line up... then I became incredibly tired and dizzy. My eyes couldn't focus and when I got up to the front of the line I saw that the secretary was talking to me, but I couldn't hear her. I know I replied to what I thought she said, but I couldn't even hear myself because my ears were ringing. I started breaking out into a cold sweat, and I guess I became super pale because the secretary jumped up and ran to my side. She guided me to a chair and went to get a nurse. By then I was past the point of actually fainting.

I spend about half an hour in a room where people were getting vaccinated... not a great place to put someone who hates needles and almost fainted. But I survived, they gave me apple juice which helped a lot. They asked me if I had anyone with me... I didn't, and thinking about not having anyone around made me sad, and made me miss "he who must not be named".

Then I left. Now the pain killer stuff they shot into my back has worn off and every time move I feel like I'm being pinched. Sleeping is not going to be fun. I'm going to get the stitches out in a week. My biggest fear is that I might rip one of them. I'm glad there's a huge bandage on my back because I really really don't want to see what kind of gore fest is happening back there! haha fun day :D Well it was just another adventure I guess.

Time.

I'm beginning to forget his face, and the feel of his touch but I still remember the way he smelt and the why he made my heart feel. I never want to forget that.

I lock my room at night

and my heart during the day. But, apparently I didn't lock it tight enough. My ex would be laughing if he knew the way I've been fucked over by a guy. He was right, he always said that guys are douche bags. I have yet to meet a guy in university that I could ever see myself loving or even dating. They are all so caught up in "wheeling" and fucking around. I miss having someone normal to love. He was much more mature than any of these tool bags. I'm sick of all of it. I try to be fucking friends with people, but they send me drunk texts and try to get me to "meet up later". Nice guys turn in to creeps that call you pretty because they want to get their dicks wet. I just want to know someone completely, I want them to be upfront. I don't want to fucking find out about shit by accident or by misunderstanding.
I'm so scared that I'll never find someone to replace the shadow of my ex. I'm beginning to think that he was my once in a lifetime chance, one I took for granted and never deserved. I don't like myself in this pathetic state. I feel like I did before I knew what love was. I was awake for that short amount of time... but now I'm back to sleep and the nightmares have started again.

Beach House - "Walk in the Park"

... I totally thought that a guy sang this song. Still great though.

You go for a walk in the park 'cause you don't need anything
Your hand that you sometimes hold doesn't do anything
The face that you see in the door isn't standing there anymore

In a matter of time, it would slip from my mind
In and out of my life, you would slip from my mind
In a matter of time

The face that you saw in the door isn't looking at you anymore
The name that you call in it's place isn't waiting for your embrace
The world that you love to behold cannot hold you anymore

In a matter of time, it would slip from my mind
In and out of my life, you would slip from my mind
In a matter of time

More, you want more
More, you want more

More, you want more, you tell me
More, only time can run me

What you don't know wont hurt you...

that is, until you know. So I'm just going to let my assumptions and fears hurt me for now.

(I miss my bunny)

The good morrow.

THE GOOD-MORROW.
by John Donne

I WONDER by my troth, what thou and I
Did, till we loved ? were we not wean'd till then ?
But suck'd on country pleasures, childishly ?
Or snorted we in the Seven Sleepers' den ?
'Twas so ; but this, all pleasures fancies be ;
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee.

And now good-morrow to our waking souls,
Which watch not one another out of fear ;
For love all love of other sights controls,
And makes one little room an everywhere.
Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone ;
Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown ;
Let us possess one world ; each hath one, and is one.

My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest ;
Where can we find two better hemispheres
Without sharp north, without declining west ?
Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally ;
If our two loves be one, or thou and I
Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die.

I love you less, now that I know you.

On Wednesday I had to make the 20 min walk to West Campus for my 3 hour psychology class. I was alone, but I had my music. I was listening to "Walking on a Dream" by Empire of the Sun.
So, I was making the snowy trek to my class. It was so cold outside, but I didn't feel it. It was one of those rare moments when you just realize that all worries about yourself, your head, your heart: are not important. I just watched the snow fall, smiled at people passing by and enjoyed the peace of a peaceful mind. It wasn't that I forgot about all my troubles, my regrets, my sadness caused by all the things I've done to other people, worrying what they think of me - hating me; it was that I was somehow elevated above, looking down on problems and saying: All I need is me. Because in all of this giant universe of ours, no one will really understand us and get us as well as we, ourselves, do. Of course there will be that person who you talk to constantly, perhaps the person will love you forever and die holding your hand, but they can never get inside your head - you will always think first and tell them later. You are the primary objective. Selfishness is key to self love.
And ya, breaking up is hard, because you lose the person so close to fully understanding you. But they're never really there if you fight over the same things and they don't support your dreams. After all, what's worse than loving someone - someone so close to you, that sees you as plainly as you see yourself - who doesn't accept you and holds you back. To allow someone to hold you down, you're showing how much you hate yourself.My goal is to meet a person who ignores little common annoyances. What I mean by this is that they will see me as a separate person. Way too often people try to latch on to another and control the outcome of their lives. I'm all for loving someone so completely that your heart jumps at the sight of them and you are an emotional mess, but people need their own lives too.

This is all I ask:

Let me be proud of who I am,
let me change myself (I will still love you all the same),
then let me grow up in this crazy world (I'll hold your hand if I need to),

let me learn new things everyday,
let me stress out and worry about my future,
then let me have space to get better,

let me wear the clothes I like,
let me tattoo my body if I want to (I'm only hurting myself),
then let me confess my mistakes (I have many),

let me be free,
let me go and
then (please) let me come back when I'm really.

I'd do the same for you.

American Beauty. Good Times.

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. "

- Ricky Fitts

(I cried on his chest like a little girl. It was nice.)

Voxtrot - "Ghost"

"I am learning how to be lost completely."

I'll be the one to let this roof cave in on me,
Buried in this house this wooden graveyard by the sea,
We push away our families to understand our needs,
The love and all the hate I used to hold in front of me

Restless nights all dizzy spells all sand between my sheets,
Showing signs of thirst like dried out boardwalk-blistered feet,
And now I know I never knew about you, only me,
We carried this inside like some disease we couldn't beat

But we could work, we try to live and get by,
To make our family in a second floor apartment,
Standing on a threshold body out and flesh cold,
Go ahead and celebrate the things you lost

Try to grieve, to flex and release,
To cry and work out with the underrate apartment,
Moments are a lifetime,
Lockin' in a straight line,
This could take a little while to shake things off

Down by the waters edge,
Under a dying tree,
I let my body slip,
Something inside of me,
But when I came around,
Some kind of murky face,
I don't ever want to be alone like this

And I will tuck into you like I always longed to be,
Shadows just a shade of light not darkness in degree,
It was you who knew me first, this wasn't meant for kids like me,
Some brutal natural force we only feel, we never see

But as you grip the tide,
You blundered aside,
Your heads got smaller until they vanished into silence,
Sinking in a white foam,
Running to a new home,
We can only understand the things we see

You cease, desist
And view me like this,
The eyes wide open in the beauty of the bright lights,
Standing on a threshold body out and flesh cold,
I don't ever want to be alone like this

I have no choice but to be vicious on my feet,
I never sleep, I never eat,
I am learning how to be lost completely

I want to be found, we crave the things we push away,
These patterns cut like every day,
I need to reach I need you to me

Down by the waters edge,
Under a dying tree,
I let my body slip,
Something inside of me,
But when i came around,
Some kind of murky face,
Shakin' my bones put me back in place

I don't ever want to be alone like this,
Haunted by the presence of things i miss,
I don't ever want to be alone like this,
Haunted by the presence of things i miss

Oh, I am becoming the ghost of myself,
Oh, I am becoming the ghost of myself,
Trapped little secrets, little things we never tell,
Oh, I am becoming the ghost of myself

Voxtrot - "Kid Gloves"

I absolutely love this song. It reminds me that I have to grow up and stop being such a little girl. I don't like to think about the future. When I do, I usually fuck it up. >.<

Cheer me up, cheer me up. I'm a miserable fuck.

Yesterday, I went house hunting with my friend Taryn. We found an alright place... I didn't really notice if it was good or bad because the tenants had the cutest kitten! :) I love kitties. I'm going to get one and name him pickles. He can play with my mouse Dennis and I'll have a happy family of aminals ^.^

I really hate being lazy all the time. But I can't help it. I really don't have any particular reason to move, get up and go. I'm feeling sick again... surprise surprise. I'm an invalid and it's not changing anytime soon.
Speaking of sickness, I've been thinking about sadness and depression and it's scaring the hell out of me. Colds, swine flu, hangovers, you can just sit back and let your body fight. But, when your head isn't right, sitting back and letting go is the last thing you should do. I feel helpless, useless, and just plain lumpy. I'm a lump. I think my bed has annexed my body.
Ugh. I can't bring myself to throw out things that my ex gave me like his shirt and all the gifts. I know he threw out everything of mine, but I just can't. They hold so many good memories. And in all honesty, I would rather be surrounded by sadness brought on by the happy things gone by than bitterness and hatred created as a defense from pain.