What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

What would happen if you woke up tomorrow feeling differently,

feeling as if it's not worth the wait,

wasted time spent wishing you were somewhere else

with someone else, your soul mate?

What if you spent all this time thinking and seeing

wrong?

Will you wake up?

You might just start self defending your

heart from aching and

convince your mind to start braking.

You know you're hanging in there,

but for how long?

Eventually it will catch up to you, yet again.

The doubt.

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

That nagging twitch in your head,

filling you will an endless dread.

You'll see her in the right way,

the way that will lead you away.

And she'll be left in the wrong place

looking in the mirror

and questioning her face.

But, then again -

you could always talk to her

and realize your feelings never

changed.

And that she is who she is.

So stop making worries over it all and

start living in the free fall.

The ground is hard,

but you've hit it before, so you know what's in store.

The Ridiculousness

A pebble dropped in water comes to mind when I think about life in general. The way I see it is like we're all trying to make a big impact, yet the truth is - the only real impact we're making is an emotional impact on others.

This pebble has hurt others in the past and has been hurt in return. It's always surprising to see those same people moving on from what seem like such a large devistating moments. But the thing is, that moment eventually becomes completely insignificant to everyone else but the guilty party. The guilty one is left to assume, regret and ridicule themselves to no end. Maybe if we could see the people we hurt move on, then we too could move on. For the majority of the times in which we inflict pain, this cannot be done. And so, we are left with our self hatred. How can someone get out of this spiral? Does the end lie in trusting oneself again?

For one, it's all about trusting that you have the right judgement when it comes to others. Having "trust issues" seems a universal personal problem with which we can easily dismiss our pain and frustrations. Maybe having trust issues isn't an entirely negative thing. In my experience, people don't intentionally hurt you - but their actions are none-the-less careless and inconsiderate. Being cautious before jumping headfirst into love has the potential to save you from the ridiculousness.

Now the ridiculousness occurs when two people start a passionate relationship where everything appears to be perfect: they could talk for hours, they think about each other all the time, they become reliant on one another for happiness, and they fuck like bunnies. But eventually - ridiculousness kicks in and they become miserable and fed up with each other. They didn't take the time to discover the small things - infidelities, dependency, untrustworthiness, overprotectiveness - that could possibly destroy the passion in their relationship.

So I guess the conclusion I come to is that we have to realize that there is no such thing as perfect as long as we are human. We should enjoy the fun found in having relationships with others. Yet, we should never lose ourselves in the devastation of the waves of careless pebbles.

Love is a lovely joke.

I hate the fact I allowed myself to hate someone who loved me. Sure, it's over. But, now I need to realize I was on a roller-coaster ride of emotional foolishness. Hmm. That pretty much sums up love.

(I googled roller-coaster of love and this came up. It completely and accurately sums up the rest of my post.)

The build up is great and your heartbeat deafens your ears - then you fall madly, letting go of everything but the moment. Your head is lost and you grab onto the only person as lost and as scared as you are. But soon you'll find there will be inevitable lulls between the ups and the downs. This is where the ride is truly tested. Will they hold your hand no matter what and talk you through the suspense? And if, at the end, you make it through without puking... you've found the one.

So here I am.

I'm been listening to great up-beat music lately. Part of me misses those heart throbbing Bon Iver-type songs I used to listen to all the time. But I can't bring myself to listen to them, not now. Not when things are looking up. I told myself that time has made everything better. However, I'm starting to believe that time has nothing to do with it. I've been bandaged up and my bruised ego has healed. Now I just worry the things that patched me up will lose their adhesion and I'll be left as pathetic as I was before. Fuck I was a miserable human being. I embarrassed myself for months. It freaks me out to think that the same thing could happen again. I guess that's why living under a rock has the potential to be comforting.

I could never do that though. There's no fun in living without fear of pain. The problem is that we can never see an end to pain. But, ends do come and happiness happens. So live it up and blindly step into the future.

I'm learning to enjoy the quest to find something better. That's pretty much the only thing keeping me together.

It rings true.

Have you ever watched a movie, a show or read a book where a certain situation hits too close to home? Well it happened to me when I watched the series finale of Secret Diary and it killed me. I'll always love that show. And they just HAD to play the saddest, loneliest song in the history of songs at the end...

The Sentimental Side of Fornication

I love Californication! Here's the sweetest letter (it's so sweet it makes my poor silly heart hurt and my watery eyes all watery) that Hank writes to Karen after he thinks that he'll never see her again:

Dear Karen...
if you're reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it.
So, good for me.
You don't know me very well but you get me started, I have a tendency to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me.
But this... this is the hardest thing I've ever had to write.
There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it.
I met someone.
It was an accident.
I wasn't looking for it. I wasn't on the make.
It was a perfect storm. She said one thing. I said another.
Next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation.
Now there's this feeling in my gut.
She might be the one.
She's completely nuts... in a way that makes me smile - highly neurotic.
A great deal of maintenance required.
She is you, Karen.
That's the good news.
The bad is that I don't know how to be with you right now.
And it scares the shit out of me.
Because if I'm not with you right now, I have this feeling we'll get lost out there.
It's a big, bad world full of twists and turns, and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment... the moment that could've changed everything.
I don't know what's going on with us, and I can't tell you why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me...
but, damn, you smell good - like home.
And you make excellent coffee.
That's got to count for something, right?
Call me.
Unfaithfully yours, Hank Moody.

Don't be afraid.

(Is it possible to have a blister under a blister? Yes. I have one.)

I wish I had a way to get into certain peoples' heads. It would make living day by day much easier. If I knew that I wasn't alone in this mindset, I would feel much better. I wouldn't be afraid for the future.

Love is simple.

Everybody uses somebody at one point or another. Eventually that person finds out and their heart is broken.

See. Love is simple. Either you both love each other equally or not at all.

I'd have to say that I've loved someone that I lost as soon as I decided to go away. You know that cliche saying: if you love someone, let them go? Well it proves to be true time and time again. If you're not going to let me grow, live my own life, then I'm not coming back; You never had me. But if you support the person you love and let them fly on their own, make their own mistakes, they'll fly back to you each and everyday because they find comfort in the arms that hold them - not constraint.

Throughout this mess, (an over dramatized mess at that) I've learned more about who I am and who I want to be by being told who I should be. In a relationship, there is a need for compromise. If your partner likes action movies and you just LOVE classics, suck it up and watch some mindless violence. But when you constantly feel the need to defend your actions and define yourself to the person that should love you, then compromise is out of the question. The single life is calling for you. It is a time to enjoy yourself because you are lovely and you should be able to love yourself in the simplest moments.

The Beatles - "All You Need is Love"

Last night: Friend time!

I had so much fun with all my high school friends last night: Alyssa, Maddy, Adam, Jenny, Sam, Rachel, Dino and Alyssa's boyfriend Nevin. We went out for dinner at Turtle Jacks and discussed many inappropriate topics in front of the waitress... then went to see I am Number Four. It was one of those movies that is just so terrible, but you're with good people so you make the best of it by laughing at cheesy lines and making many dumb jokes.

I feel so lucky that I have so many great people in my life. They make dark days seem distant (hurray for cheesy lines!)

Adele - "First love"

Lies I tell myself.

"We were like strangers who knew each other very well." - Big Fish (2003)

Sometimes when you miss someone so much it hurts, the only thing you can do is to let them move on and leave them be. Even if you think about them everyday, that is your own pain to bear. Calling them up just to tell them about it wont change anything, it'll just hurt more when it turns out that they don't care.

Things I shouldn't forget (but do anyway) when I'm sad:

- the kindness of strangers and the great feelings involved with helping them
- how I love to thank bus drivers
- friendly hockey rivalries
- short elevator conversations- seeing people you haven't seen in a long time and exchanging stories
- planning outings with old friends
- the smell of laundry, who knew that doing chores could smell so good?
- the warming loveliness of mittens on a cold winter's walk
- the great taste of leftover pasta!- movie romances that would never happen in real life, but I secretly hope they do
- that I shouldn't take myself so freaking seriously- if I don't love myself, no one will
- people make mistakes; they also tend to forget about good memories when they're concentrating on the bad ones
- I should wake up and go to sleep loving myself
- and FINALLY:

you never truly lose anyone, not as long as you love them

Losing Love, Hold on Tight.

Last night I was lying in bed and someone in the hall was showering. It reminded me of when I was a kid.

I'd be laying awake in my bed waiting for my mom to finish showering so she could come say goodnight and I could finally sleep. I was at that young age where it wasn't awkward to say "I love you and let Dad know that I love him too." It makes me sad to think that I went through a phase where I stopped saying that I loved them, just because I felt like I had to grow up.

Now I've reached that age where I just can't help but tell the ones that I love how I feel about them. I tell them because I've experienced the feeling of losing someone I love. I guess that's why I'm holding on so tightly to my old love. I have this image in my mind where we were both happy to be talking to each other. And no matter how many times I tell myself how stupid it is to think this way, I can't help but hope deep down he is the same person. I don't want to accept that I broke things beyond repair, I don't want to lose my friend forever, and I don't want to cry myself to sleep because I know I can't do anything to fix this.

Valentine's ;)

Everyone I know is making cute handmade cards, cakes, pies, and cds for their loved ones. It makes me happy to know that there is so much love in the world.

I'm also glad I'm full of love
and not hate this fine Valentine's.

Here's some funny Valentines!

You + Me ?

Just knowing... (I think)

that you might be thinking of me too makes me happy. Maybe you're thinking how much you're happier without me or how much you miss the person I used to be. I think about you every second, even if I'm dancing, smiling, eating or sleeping. I think about all the things I should have said on the phone but didn't. I know I miss you more than ever. I wish you would call, but I know you don't want to and wont.

I think being told that my personality isn't the personality you fell in love with made me calm down and appreciate the people that love me just as much as they did before. (MADDY!) It also made me look at the world around me and question why it is so important to do the things I do. I thank you for that.

I think that I'm trying to find happiness here. This might be a school where people drink excessively, but the key is to find those genuine moments where a stranger holds a door for you, smiles at you as you pass by, makes the awkward elevator ride less awkward, or simply asks you how you are doing. The stars still shine here and at the end of the day everyone goes to bed after working their hardest.

I'm still miserable without you and cry when I'm alone in my bed. I wake up every time my phone vibrates with the hope that it's you.

I still miss my home and the days of sitting in my high school's hallways and eating lunch with you on the hill. I'm confused because in my mind I'm that same girl, just in a different environment. It hurts that you'll never talk to me again because you think I'm different and that I'll never be able to prove you wrong.

All the secrets I kept, I told to you.

"An awkward boy, an awkward girl. What could be better than lying in this bed feeling less awkward together?" I never meant to make you feel like my second choice. You'll always be my first.

If you happen to read this:

You will do amazing on your driving test. I'm proud of you and so glad that I had the chance to get to know you.

(I would have texted you this, but you don't want to talk. If you happen to visit my blog then you'll know. Sorry for being sneeky.)

Death of love and the reasons why it dies:

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” - Anais Nin

“Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” - Anais Nin