I love you less, now that I know you.

On Wednesday I had to make the 20 min walk to West Campus for my 3 hour psychology class. I was alone, but I had my music. I was listening to "Walking on a Dream" by Empire of the Sun.
So, I was making the snowy trek to my class. It was so cold outside, but I didn't feel it. It was one of those rare moments when you just realize that all worries about yourself, your head, your heart: are not important. I just watched the snow fall, smiled at people passing by and enjoyed the peace of a peaceful mind. It wasn't that I forgot about all my troubles, my regrets, my sadness caused by all the things I've done to other people, worrying what they think of me - hating me; it was that I was somehow elevated above, looking down on problems and saying: All I need is me. Because in all of this giant universe of ours, no one will really understand us and get us as well as we, ourselves, do. Of course there will be that person who you talk to constantly, perhaps the person will love you forever and die holding your hand, but they can never get inside your head - you will always think first and tell them later. You are the primary objective. Selfishness is key to self love.
And ya, breaking up is hard, because you lose the person so close to fully understanding you. But they're never really there if you fight over the same things and they don't support your dreams. After all, what's worse than loving someone - someone so close to you, that sees you as plainly as you see yourself - who doesn't accept you and holds you back. To allow someone to hold you down, you're showing how much you hate yourself.My goal is to meet a person who ignores little common annoyances. What I mean by this is that they will see me as a separate person. Way too often people try to latch on to another and control the outcome of their lives. I'm all for loving someone so completely that your heart jumps at the sight of them and you are an emotional mess, but people need their own lives too.

This is all I ask:

Let me be proud of who I am,
let me change myself (I will still love you all the same),
then let me grow up in this crazy world (I'll hold your hand if I need to),

let me learn new things everyday,
let me stress out and worry about my future,
then let me have space to get better,

let me wear the clothes I like,
let me tattoo my body if I want to (I'm only hurting myself),
then let me confess my mistakes (I have many),

let me be free,
let me go and
then (please) let me come back when I'm really.

I'd do the same for you.

American Beauty. Good Times.

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. "

- Ricky Fitts

(I cried on his chest like a little girl. It was nice.)

Voxtrot - "Ghost"

"I am learning how to be lost completely."

I'll be the one to let this roof cave in on me,
Buried in this house this wooden graveyard by the sea,
We push away our families to understand our needs,
The love and all the hate I used to hold in front of me

Restless nights all dizzy spells all sand between my sheets,
Showing signs of thirst like dried out boardwalk-blistered feet,
And now I know I never knew about you, only me,
We carried this inside like some disease we couldn't beat

But we could work, we try to live and get by,
To make our family in a second floor apartment,
Standing on a threshold body out and flesh cold,
Go ahead and celebrate the things you lost

Try to grieve, to flex and release,
To cry and work out with the underrate apartment,
Moments are a lifetime,
Lockin' in a straight line,
This could take a little while to shake things off

Down by the waters edge,
Under a dying tree,
I let my body slip,
Something inside of me,
But when I came around,
Some kind of murky face,
I don't ever want to be alone like this

And I will tuck into you like I always longed to be,
Shadows just a shade of light not darkness in degree,
It was you who knew me first, this wasn't meant for kids like me,
Some brutal natural force we only feel, we never see

But as you grip the tide,
You blundered aside,
Your heads got smaller until they vanished into silence,
Sinking in a white foam,
Running to a new home,
We can only understand the things we see

You cease, desist
And view me like this,
The eyes wide open in the beauty of the bright lights,
Standing on a threshold body out and flesh cold,
I don't ever want to be alone like this

I have no choice but to be vicious on my feet,
I never sleep, I never eat,
I am learning how to be lost completely

I want to be found, we crave the things we push away,
These patterns cut like every day,
I need to reach I need you to me

Down by the waters edge,
Under a dying tree,
I let my body slip,
Something inside of me,
But when i came around,
Some kind of murky face,
Shakin' my bones put me back in place

I don't ever want to be alone like this,
Haunted by the presence of things i miss,
I don't ever want to be alone like this,
Haunted by the presence of things i miss

Oh, I am becoming the ghost of myself,
Oh, I am becoming the ghost of myself,
Trapped little secrets, little things we never tell,
Oh, I am becoming the ghost of myself

Voxtrot - "Kid Gloves"

I absolutely love this song. It reminds me that I have to grow up and stop being such a little girl. I don't like to think about the future. When I do, I usually fuck it up. >.<

Cheer me up, cheer me up. I'm a miserable fuck.

Yesterday, I went house hunting with my friend Taryn. We found an alright place... I didn't really notice if it was good or bad because the tenants had the cutest kitten! :) I love kitties. I'm going to get one and name him pickles. He can play with my mouse Dennis and I'll have a happy family of aminals ^.^

I really hate being lazy all the time. But I can't help it. I really don't have any particular reason to move, get up and go. I'm feeling sick again... surprise surprise. I'm an invalid and it's not changing anytime soon.
Speaking of sickness, I've been thinking about sadness and depression and it's scaring the hell out of me. Colds, swine flu, hangovers, you can just sit back and let your body fight. But, when your head isn't right, sitting back and letting go is the last thing you should do. I feel helpless, useless, and just plain lumpy. I'm a lump. I think my bed has annexed my body.
Ugh. I can't bring myself to throw out things that my ex gave me like his shirt and all the gifts. I know he threw out everything of mine, but I just can't. They hold so many good memories. And in all honesty, I would rather be surrounded by sadness brought on by the happy things gone by than bitterness and hatred created as a defense from pain.