Shouldn't love be continuous?
But like a heart's breaking beat - its failure
is monotonous.

Sing me a little bit of that soul music.

It's safe to say that there are multiple soul mates for a person. After all, we are constantly changing and growing into ourselves. We look for people to compliment "our souls" at specific moments. They teach us lessons about our tolerances, emotions and love us until they no longer do. Then there's that person who changes you for the better, who changes with you, maybe not in the same way, but that's fine because they see your true self and accept you.

I try and maintain the knowledge that my true self has never changed. I tell myself that I'm still the girl with many insecurities, who easily falls in love and values animals, the mind and education. I may change my clothes, hair and the people I hang out with, but I know that I will always be me.

I finally found someone to accept me, when for the longest time I believed that it was normal to date someone who questions your identity. It's a constant struggle within yourself when you try to explain "who you are". Even my explanation of myself is weak and I doubt it will ever be clear. How can anyone truly know themselves when they are constantly being faced with experiences and challenges that test their previous notions?

Who would want to date someone who could sum up their personality and values in a couple of sentences anyways? Complexities are what make people so interesting to get to know. There's that common saying that you never truly know someone. It sounds cryptic, but it doesn't only have to be about not know bad things about people. There can also be true goodness buried in people that is only waiting to be found.

As I reflect on my past experiences in the previous 3 years, I can honestly say that I look at people and relationships in a different way. I place greater value on the constant love from family and friends. I am cautious when it comes to romantic love, but not in a negative, cold way. I remember the feeling of a broken heart vividly, yet I relish in the ability to open up with another person and to be truly accepted without question. Through all the bumps in the road, I have finally come to a place where I'm happy to be loved and to love without guilt. Everyone deserves to be happy and if you're not, you need to change your situation - not your soul.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

What would happen if you woke up tomorrow feeling differently,

feeling as if it's not worth the wait,

wasted time spent wishing you were somewhere else

with someone else, your soul mate?

What if you spent all this time thinking and seeing

wrong?

Will you wake up?

You might just start self defending your

heart from aching and

convince your mind to start braking.

You know you're hanging in there,

but for how long?

Eventually it will catch up to you, yet again.

The doubt.

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

That nagging twitch in your head,

filling you will an endless dread.

You'll see her in the right way,

the way that will lead you away.

And she'll be left in the wrong place

looking in the mirror

and questioning her face.

But, then again -

you could always talk to her

and realize your feelings never

changed.

And that she is who she is.

So stop making worries over it all and

start living in the free fall.

The ground is hard,

but you've hit it before, so you know what's in store.

:D

The Rural Alberta Advantage - "Frank AB"

The Rural Alberta Advantage - "Drain The Blood"

This band has definitely brought me back to my folk indie roots. I strayed, but I am finally home!

Two Door Cinema Club - "Something Good Can Work (The Twelves Remix)"

Fever Ray - "Seven (The Twelves Remix)"

The Morning Benders - "Virgins" (A Take Away Show)

I'm completely obsessed with this song :)

The Kooks - "Ooh La" (A Take Away Show)

Vetiver - "Everyday"

City and Colour - "Love Don't Live Here Anymore"

City and Colour - "Fragile Bird"

The Past

Staring at yet another picture, she begins to form a distorted vision

of the stories she was told and memories she should have never forgotten.

What she sees is happiness but it makes her pathetically sad.

The discarded pile only manages to remind her of death, guilt and decay;

of past emotions captured and forgotten with time.

Birthdays and vacations, full of love and togetherness

conflict with recent pains of growth and separation.

The pictures of a relationship tell the story of a bold, young and careless love

coming to a complicated climax.

Her vision blurs, but she makes out each

awkward smile or toddler's eager grin;

imprinted and stowed away in an attempt to grasp

the fleeting moment undamaged by age.

The discarded pile of the past sifted through, one by one.

Each, a false fountain of youth combatting

the impatience of time.

But the past is just the past.

An overwhelming urge to give in to her emotions overpowers her

and she has to look away from these precious moments

caught and kept safely away,

in a rotting box.

Clingy, Grabby, Desperate People

I've observed it in my own sad behavior and I believe it applies to a lot of people. The fact is, people are fucking clingy. We're convinced that we need others to feel good. Whether it's about our appearance, sexuality, or general nature, we depend on others in order to like ourselves and to affirm our identities.

Many people don't feel complete without constant romantic attention. That attention is addicting since it seems good natured until that attention drifts to another and you're left alone. It's the absence of attention that makes people so desperate and sad after the one person they like - ends up liking another. It sucks when they're the only person you think about, yet they don't feel the same. Sure they like you, but liking you just isn't enough. They need others and they have their eyes wide open - scanning for someone better, someone un

like you.

Love makes everyone a little crazy. I'm wondering if it's possible to have some cont

rol over the future of a relationship. I guess that's what a lot of people wonder when they cling to the person they love - they're confused, unsure if they should hold on and wait for it to be perfect or left go and lose all those cheesy-romantic-flowery-butterfly-u

nicorn feelings.

And what about those warning signs? The ones that tell you not to fall for someone? It's scary to put your heart on the line after being broken once by the horrible absence of romantic affection. Where does one find the guts to crawl out from under their protective rock in order to find someone new? The scarier part is the possibility of being unable to find confidence and happiness within. I had it for awhile, but I can feel myself clinging onto others once again. Does that mean I'm "scared of commitment" like the cliche goes...?

I would sure love to find a guy to go crazy for again, but the thing is, I'm caught between wanting another relationship and finding happiness in the single life. Now that the possibility of a relationship is only weeks away - I'm terrified that I'll lose all my progress and I'll once again become a clingy, grabby, desperate jackass. The main question in my mind is: Is it worth it? My fluttery-fantastic emotions tell me yes, it is very much worth it. But, you guessed it...like a perpetually flipping coin, this problem has two sides and my reason tells me to be cautious - to the drastic point of staying single.

Otis Redding -"Sitting on the dock of the bay"

The Ridiculousness

A pebble dropped in water comes to mind when I think about life in general. The way I see it is like we're all trying to make a big impact, yet the truth is - the only real impact we're making is an emotional impact on others.

This pebble has hurt others in the past and has been hurt in return. It's always surprising to see those same people moving on from what seem like such a large devistating moments. But the thing is, that moment eventually becomes completely insignificant to everyone else but the guilty party. The guilty one is left to assume, regret and ridicule themselves to no end. Maybe if we could see the people we hurt move on, then we too could move on. For the majority of the times in which we inflict pain, this cannot be done. And so, we are left with our self hatred. How can someone get out of this spiral? Does the end lie in trusting oneself again?

For one, it's all about trusting that you have the right judgement when it comes to others. Having "trust issues" seems a universal personal problem with which we can easily dismiss our pain and frustrations. Maybe having trust issues isn't an entirely negative thing. In my experience, people don't intentionally hurt you - but their actions are none-the-less careless and inconsiderate. Being cautious before jumping headfirst into love has the potential to save you from the ridiculousness.

Now the ridiculousness occurs when two people start a passionate relationship where everything appears to be perfect: they could talk for hours, they think about each other all the time, they become reliant on one another for happiness, and they fuck like bunnies. But eventually - ridiculousness kicks in and they become miserable and fed up with each other. They didn't take the time to discover the small things - infidelities, dependency, untrustworthiness, overprotectiveness - that could possibly destroy the passion in their relationship.

So I guess the conclusion I come to is that we have to realize that there is no such thing as perfect as long as we are human. We should enjoy the fun found in having relationships with others. Yet, we should never lose ourselves in the devastation of the waves of careless pebbles.

Cat Power - "Wonderwall Cover"

This cover makes me like the original so much better. Cat Power is the shit.

Incubus - "Drive"

Hello childhood.

Oasis - "Wonderwall"

Oldie but goodie.

LCD Soundsystem - "Dance Yrself Clean"

This song is 9 mins long... and it neeeeds to be longer !!!

LCD Soundsystem - "New York, I Love You"

I'm getting kinda sick of being home. There's only so much love I can handle. I miss being on my own. Taking care of myself was fun, but now I'm back home and it's as if I never grew up. And I'm starting to believe that I didn't. I never expected this - even though I should have. After all, I remember my sis hating being home after first year.

I've started running 5K again. I forgot how much I love it. And it's been so long that it hurts and that I feel like giving up. I know I won't though. I love how it's a challenge. One I know I can overcome with time. I ran it in 35 mins - so I'm super out of shape.

I've always heard about LCD Soundsystem, but never took the time to listen to them. I'm glad I finally did. I've been staying up all night lately and it's a perfect time to find new music.

Ellie Goulding - "Lights (Bassnectar Remix)"

Dirty.

Love is a lovely joke.

I hate the fact I allowed myself to hate someone who loved me. Sure, it's over. But, now I need to realize I was on a roller-coaster ride of emotional foolishness. Hmm. That pretty much sums up love.

(I googled roller-coaster of love and this came up. It completely and accurately sums up the rest of my post.)

The build up is great and your heartbeat deafens your ears - then you fall madly, letting go of everything but the moment. Your head is lost and you grab onto the only person as lost and as scared as you are. But soon you'll find there will be inevitable lulls between the ups and the downs. This is where the ride is truly tested. Will they hold your hand no matter what and talk you through the suspense? And if, at the end, you make it through without puking... you've found the one.

Don Diablo - "99 Fences"

What a beaut.

So here I am.

I'm been listening to great up-beat music lately. Part of me misses those heart throbbing Bon Iver-type songs I used to listen to all the time. But I can't bring myself to listen to them, not now. Not when things are looking up. I told myself that time has made everything better. However, I'm starting to believe that time has nothing to do with it. I've been bandaged up and my bruised ego has healed. Now I just worry the things that patched me up will lose their adhesion and I'll be left as pathetic as I was before. Fuck I was a miserable human being. I embarrassed myself for months. It freaks me out to think that the same thing could happen again. I guess that's why living under a rock has the potential to be comforting.

I could never do that though. There's no fun in living without fear of pain. The problem is that we can never see an end to pain. But, ends do come and happiness happens. So live it up and blindly step into the future.

I'm learning to enjoy the quest to find something better. That's pretty much the only thing keeping me together.

Chairlift - "Bruises"

This song reminds me of all the cool, interesting and complex people I met in Kingston. I miss them all terribly. Once again, I find I would rather have good permanent friends in my life than a romantic relationship that may or may not last.

Linkin Park - "Lying From You"

My childhood. Ya - I was a BAMF.

Let the good times roll

I never really dated much in high school. I'm making up for it now though. I've met some great people who are fun to talk to and live interesting lives. Dark days seem far behind me. There is definitely some more heart break in my future, but for now I'm enjoying the fact guys are swarming me for attention.

Sleeping and dreaming and the men in my head.

It's a little unsettling to be head fucked by your subconscious mind in your sleep. That's just a low blow man.