Future Puppies

I've always loved big dopey dogs. They are so cute as puppies. Right now, I would love a bernese mountain dog or a miniature golden doodle :D

PLEASE GIMMIE GIMMIE PLLLLLLEASE: Rayban Wayfarers!!!!

Going For a Drive

I went for a drive with my friend. His car smelt like cherries. It was fun being in a car for the first time in months. Hopefully I'll get my license soon so I wont feel like a dependent child anymore.

I can't wait to go home for Christmas. I miss my family. It's going to suck leaving my friends though, but the holiday will fly by. I hope that I get to see my friends and arrange a party or something. I haven't ever really partied with them without doing something stupid and ruining it. Maybe I'll buy some p for Maddy haha. She's been up to no good in university ;) I miss her. A lot of people and conversations here are reminding me of how awesome my friends back at home are.

I have 3 exams left. English on Tuesday, Sociology on Thursday and Philosophy on Friday. :D It's almost over!!!!

Repost: Wholesum Family Fun (July 2nd, 2008)

I should be babysitting right now. I should be sitting on the couch with nothing on my mind. I should be happy knowing that I haven't made my mom cry. But I'm not. I'm here, luckily. I'm here at this desk typing. Typing, without stopping to think about what I did. To myself. But most of all to those around me. I can't forget the people in the park with their kids. It was right after we drank. We were falling. And stopped at the side of the trail. I remember the people. The last thing I remember actually. They were happy. Really happy. Genuinely. They didn't need alcohol. Fucking goofy smiles.
Two days later.
I haven't been able to complete this post. Wait... Let me rephrase. I just didn't want to think about it really. I'm ashamed. The hospital gave me more than I deserved. I deserve to feel like shit, puking up my guts. I want to remember it all, so I can hate myself. They drained me. They took the poison from my vanes. I'm finding it hard to spell. My head is pounding. I just wanted to confront it. I've been punched in the chest. They told me my heart was beating irregularly. I want to look at all that happened and see the damage. I need it written down. In plain sight. I can see a little better now. I couldn't see my parents faces. I knew they were there, sitting beside my bed. They are hurt. I hurt them. I can't see their faces. I don't want to see them. To see pain. They will always remember the pain. I can't. I was unconscious. Is it any better? To be oblivious to the hurt? This isn't going to blow over fast. They will look at me. I made a mistake. they will talk. It was stupid. They will judge. I deserve it all. They will see me. It's more than I could ever do. Take a good look. I'm finding it so hard to see. I can't breathe, I can't spell and I can't stand it anymore. I'm so fucking stupid. I pride myself on being so fucking smart. I'm not. Not really. At least everyone will see it now. I'm not who they thought I was. I've been hiding from this. But now it's out in the open. Written down. I can't delete it now. I can see everything. I made a mistake. It's nobodies fault but mine. I could have been dead. But I'm not. I'm here, luckily.

How you've grown my little bird. I'm regretting letting you fly.

I Really Like Him

I really do.
But I don't want to be a girlfriend. At least I don't think it would be right. Not right now. But I think about him all the time. Does he think about me? I text him and hope he'll reply. I wait and stress about school and cry and breakdown and even hallucinate at little.

I'm glad you replied - my heart was about to beat too fast and die.

... was I that close to death last night? If so, all I could think about was you
and who would be there to talk to
while I cried, with fear
suffocating me as I died.

How poetic and romantic would be death by a pounding heart?

I have already received more than I could ever deserve
from this world - a new start.

The Stupid Things in Life

Since I've been in University, I have started to wonder what exactly makes people do stupid things. There's no doubt to the fact I've done a lot of stupid things in my life - some that I really should regret and perhaps never talk about again... but what's the fun in that? Anyways, I have two major exams tomorrow, so I'll try and wrap this up quickly with a convenient list of the top 7 stupid things I've sadly done, in no particular order:

7. Kissing my friend. Things became super awkward.
6. Taking one puff of a cigarette and hating it -don't worry, it was gross- (Swore to myself I never would when my aunt died of breast cancer.)
5. Vodka hospital list/Disappointing my parents.
4. Getting drunk and completely naked, somehow ending up in my friend's dad's office wrapped in a foam mattress cover.
3. Almost pulling out into oncoming traffic during a driver's lesson.
2. Drinking two energy drinks, smoking, and also drinking beer all in one night.
1. Accidentally (stupidly) taking too much medicine for my cold on an empty stomach -last night- and thus ended up puking and hallucinating for hours.

The funny thing is that I started off with a list of 5 and just started coming up with more. I'm just glad that I came out of all these experiences alive. I wonder if everyone has crazy stories to tell. I didn't think that I had much to hide until I considered all the crap that has happened over the years.

A sane person would say that they would go back in time and change it all. But, if time travel movies have taught us anything, it's that no matter how often time repeats itself, you'll probably just end up doing the same things over again:

I kissed my friend because I liked him. I knew it would be awkward in the morning, but at the time I didn't care. I wanted him to know.

I took that puff of the cigarette because it was offered and at the time I wasn't thinking for myself.

The vodka hospital visit happened because I honestly didn't know how much alcohol to drink or that alcohol effects people so quickly.

I got drunk at my friend's for fun, I passed out in her bed and that's all I remember. It was the first time I ever blacked out (without a hospital visit). The shit that happened after, happened without me being fully conscious.

My driving slip up happened because I don't pay enough attention when I'm driving. I'm insecure about my eyesight and once I get stressed I can't concentrate.

All the drinking, smoking and alcohol consumption happened because I wanted to see what it felt like.

And finally, last night was stupid because I didn't eat and took medicine. But, because I'm sick I don't have an appetite.

All of these things happened because of the choices I made, many which were made without better judgment. But the one thing I can't stand is being with someone who is a constant reminder of these sad and very embarrassing lessons I've learned. Afterall, I have my own fine memory. An outsider, father figure, telling me what is best without participation or passion, is the last thing I need. Unless you're standing next to me when I'm about to fuck up, you have no right to tell me you told me so or that you have a right to look down on me. I'd rather be in this big fucked up world of stupid experimenting human beings than in a glass world of naive robot perfection and isolation.

Last Night: Boy Time

All the girls went home to study for exams; all of the girls except for me and Rohan's friend. Everyone, but mostly Dylan, was trying to wheel the other girl because she was really pretty. But in the end her grandma called her and asked her to come home. That was the chirp of the night: "Dylan got cock blocked by grandma".

I was so fun hanging with the guys. Although, being the only girl from the floor, I got chirped a lot. I was the DJ for the night. I sat at Cole's laptop and took requests, mostly because I ran out of beer and Mike left (he was spotting me some). We played quarters, hockey, beer pong and COD. I lost at COD. It was Dylan against Fernando, Andy and me. I didn't kill anyone. I've actually never killed anyone in COD. It is probably the hardest game to play while intoxicated. Anyways, the three of us losing to Dylan meant that we had to streak. I left my bra and panties on of course.


It was one of those crazy nights that only happen once. For a good reason too, I lived a little to much last night. Now it's time to study Psychology and Canadian History like the good university student that I am.

Last Night

Last night everyone on my floor was either studying, making a gingerbread house or singing Christmas carols. After all the Christmas stuff ended, there was seemingly nothing more to do except join all the studiers. So I decided to round up people to hangout in the halls. It was Dan, Rohan, Mike, Ashely, and Me with occasional appearances by Drew, Fernando and Andy.

We starting chilling. Then we got hungry and ate the entire gingerbread house. Ashley and I ordered a pizza and devoured it while we watched Home Alone. I ate way too much! OOO and I ate chocolate...

Next year I hope to live with Ashley, Mike, his friend Brad, and Taryn. There's already drama though... that I caused. I'm not used to worrying about stuff like that. My friends back home are not dramatic at all.

For the past week or two, I was feeling pretty home alone myself. It's hard to make best friends here. Ashley and Mike are probably my two very close friends at the moment. Although I think I might end up fucking things up with Mike. Hence: the drama of living together next year.

:D ... Andy thought that his keys got locked in his room, but they were in his chemistry textbook the whole time. Mike even broke is laundry card trying to shimmy the lock.

THE END

Deadbeat Summer

There's definitely beauty in the world. Some waste time finding it in the wrong person.


I'm sorry. I hope you can trust again.

The Drunken Frat Girl Who's Going to Get Fucked

So, I beg you, take it out on me. But, if you ever wonder why I tore your heart apart... just read a little into your anger. If you can't spend more than a few seconds seeing yourself so full of hate and resentment, you'll understand.

Cunt

You don't love me. I'm a cunt. Stop what you're doing. And let me be.

House of Leaves

Little solace comes
to those who grieve
when thoughts keep drifting
as walls keep shifting
and this great blue world of ours
seems a house of leaves

moments before the wind

- Mark Z. Danielewski

A Damaged Boy and the Harlot

The walls around you contain
all your bad boy pain
stolen by a kiss
she wont complain.

Her hands hold
the world
of desire;
yours
love.

The harlot is cold
to your touch
dead
to your heart.

She made sure to warn you
before you felt it.

She wont be around to catch you
or wipe your tears.

All your bad boy pain is your own
let her go before she gives you more than you can handle
or she'll have to break another heart with a desirous moan.

The Faces on My Walls

I've been covering my walls with various pictures. There's about 100 at the moment. I haven't done anything creative in awhile. Mostly because I'm such a stress ball. I have 5 exams coming up. I'm actually excited for them if that makes sense. After it's all over, I'll get to go back home. My parents finished my bedroom floor and apparently I have a 40" flat screen waiting for me too :D

I've been watching Skins again. I compare the characters to people in my life. Sid is Greg and Michelle is definitely Kara.


I'm in a random happy moment. I can't think of anything to write and it doesn't bug me.

I found a really simple and beautiful tattoo design a few days ago. It's a dove. I really enjoy symbols of freedom and peace, after all... I am a total hippie. But, seriously, I essentially live my life uninhibited by anything or anyone. I'm not one to be held back I guess. I can be cruel in my fierce independence, and I wish I could avoid hurting people.


I miss my mice. They were so fun and small. Once I have my own house next year, I'm going to get one and name him Dennis. He will be my best friend.

SAY WHAT?!!??

I've been reading over my first few posts and other early stuff. I think I'm getting dumber as the years go by. Being a hormonal teen was great for writing stories.

I Think I Should Have Come With a Warning Sign Tattoed on My Heart

I really should be doing the copious amount of work on my plate right now. But, I really don't feel like writing a book review. I get sick way too often. It could be the drinking, the smoking, the constant stress, but I think it's because I'm falling apart. I believe that there is a direct correlation between the mess I'm in and the state of my mind. Seems pretty obvious.

Anyways, I like it here. In this giant concrete building full of crazy teens, breaking windows with their asses, pulling fire alarms at 2am, and causing a general ruckus. I also love it here. When you're sick, there are people that give a shit. You have no idea how many people offered me tea to help me feel better. But, the thing is, all I really need is time. Time is always seen as a bad thing. We fear it as we get older, we curse it when we die. I've been watching too much Six Feet Under. Damn that show is depressing. I think I spent at least 13 hours yesterday watching one episode after another... It doesn't really open your eyes to anything new. Everyone dies, people cheat on each other, people often die alone/young/old, sometimes people let each other down, and in the end it really doesn't matter where you go when you die. If heaven is real, then that's awesome, but for a lot of us, our lives are our hell. One of my greatest fears is to never get out of this mess I've made. One of my greatest hopes is to be an extra in a zombie movie. But, overall, I want to fix more hearts than I break. Maybe I'm not the right person for the job though, soon I'll figure it out and perhaps I should become a funeral director like the brothers on Six Feet Under. Then I wont have to worry about hurting people.

Anyways, back to work to keep my mind off of my sickness. I hope it will go away soon, but then again it's kinda comforting to feel the constant effects of my misery. I need to keep telling myself that the world is a beautiful place and that I'm in a wonderful situation in life. I need to forget the fact that I'm inexperienced in the ways of the human heart. Someday, hopefully soon I'll learn. Until then I'll save up my money for an ad campaign to warn the world of my insanity.

I think I should write another short story. I haven't written anything creative in a long time.

My Youth

Last week I went home. I wish I could say that I was happy, but I wasn't. I took the small amount of time I had there for granted and now I miss it more than ever. Driving home, the closer and closer I got, the more I realized that I would have to leave too soon. I would be soon going back to an environment of stress that I could not escape. I am not as strong as I would like to think I am. I rely on my roots, my family, my home for support I could never get elsewhere.

Here I'm surrounded by my future. I think about what would happen if I failed. If I ended up disappointing my family. I'm not some rich kid who can throw away money for education. My parents are struggling to keep me here.

I prefer living in my past. The cozy, quiet past.

But if my parents have worked hard to put me here, then I'm going to work my ass off to stay here. This is the struggle that what will make or break me. There's no doubt that I will stress, or that I will turn to my internet diary for support. As long as I have my thoughts and my love of learning, I will become a stronger person. At the end of the day, all you have is yourself. One day I wish to be happy and I hope that I'm on the right path that will lead me there.

This is my home now. It's about time I put my heart into it.

Me and You

It truly is a shame.
Here I am perfect and happy,
and there you are so angry and alone.

I've made so many good friends, so much better than the ones I had.
I'm never alone with my thoughts or tears.
I am simply wonderful and everything I do is the right decision.
I never regret anything because everything I do is right,
and when I cry snot doesn't drip down my beautiful face.

I shit rainbows.

I smile and happiness spreads.
I drink to forget all the amazing things I've done and said.
I never wish I was dead.

And then there's you.
Sitting in your room alone
hating yourself for all you've done.
Wishing you had your good friends around you;
the ones back at home.

You have so many regrets about decisions
you thought you had to make.
And when you cry, you are not a pretty picture.

So, you're crying tears that no one sees and loving
someone who has every right to hate.

You pass the time with shows
and music, but everything in the world
reminds you of the good times.
Your closet is full of him and his smell.
There's no doubt you deserve this hell.

After awhile, me and you becomes I.
And the person in the mirror isn't the person I wish to be,
but the person I wish the one I love would see.

Nightmares

Sometimes I wonder if at the same time I wake up from my nightmares, you do too. I wonder if the ties that bind us can be cut so easily.

The Fine Art of Finding Yourself

I love the fact I get goose bumps when I hear a certain song. Even kisses give me the bumps. My lips are ticklish and my heart is weak. Today I learned that we are all trapped by our inability to be socially imaginative. I wish I could see the greater implication of myself in this big picture.

Everyday I push my boundaries, silence the screams of my inner super shy girl, and take daring steps in an untraveled land. I meet new people constantly, each eager to find someone to replace a certain best friend they left at home.

I never thought I could be this happy without my family around me. But the thing is, if ever I'm sad or aching for human contact, I have a floor full of friends to talk to. I never thought I would be reading so much in so little time. I enjoy keeping bust though. I can't imagine myself anywhere else at this point. A social environment was what I always needed.

Everyone here is going a little bit crazy. To an outside observer we are all crazy teens drinking too much and making noise in a quiet world. That outsider was me for the most part of my life. I was miserable and hateful of those people. I even told myself it was because they were just "crazy teens". Now that I'm in the center of it all, I can rightfully say that we are exactly what people fucking say. I'm crazy, I've always been crazy. The fact that I write that sentence with a grin on my face makes me crazier.

So, in my mind what's the point of living if you never test your limits? In this life there is but death. Why not intoxicate myself with new experiences based on love, drugs, feelings, people and knowledge? I'm experimenting with this new world I'm in and it sure as hell ain't quiet.

The Drama Queen

I'd like to think that all my problems are important. I'd also like to think that everyone else sees them as I do. But the sad thing about most people is that they have a strong tendency to exaggerate and lack compassion.

Get ready for the exaggeration.

Once again, I find it incredible how one person can bring you from the lowest point to the highest in the simplest ways. It's so easy to give all of your love away to someone and even easier to either hurt or be hurt.

Whenever I argue I get irrational, my heart beats fast and my mind starts spinning so uncontrollably my mouth can hardly keep up. I say things I don't mean, I even say things that mean so much to me that to hear them come from my own mouth is embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by my dependence on certain people for happiness. I put my entire well-being in the hands of others and when I end up on the floor, I only have myself to blame. So when they stand victorious, surrounded by people and things to do, I am left here in my own pity.

I wish I could stop thinking about certain things. I'm hopeless, I'm also quite useless. My efforts never work. I try and I fail. I fail and I get angry. Thus, losing everything I care about. I'd like to tell myself that I'm alone now, isolated and thoroughly broken, because of you. But the truth is, I'm in this state now, because I just can't escape, I might be leaving but I can't let go.

I'm a drama queen. And I'm alone.

Children of Light *Update*

I'm feeling kinda bored since I have no job still! And was looking over my past post. I discovered my unfinished exam short story called Children of Light. Looks like I'm in the writing mood again... I donno if that is a good thing haha. Anyways, stay tuned for the finished version of the story, it shall be exciting writing again. I really missed it!

Sitting Musicians

In the world of music we have Freelance Whales.
Pretty snappy pop beats come from these guys. www.myspace.com/freelancewhales



If you haven't listened to the Drums. You have to. YOU HAVE TO. I love their whole cd.
www.myspace.com/thedrumsforever



AND Fruit Bats can rule my folking world forever!
www.myspace.com/thefruitbats

Before Boys and Broken Hearts

It's been a month today since I last wrote on this lovely blog and I think it's about time I reflect on who I am. Things haven't been very clear to me for awhile. I've been crying much more than normally and had two panic attacks last month. I stress way too much about things I can't control, but I think the major factor is that I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect all the time, which is obviously impossible. If I understood myself and my limits I would be able to get through scratch free. But lately I've come to realize the power one person's opinion can have on your well-being. Two people I love are telling me two different things about who I am and how I present myself to them. It's sad that I have to rely on other people to understand myself, but that's why there's people who are paid to do so. Anyways, I'm feeling much like the awful person that I've been told to be right now. I wish I could see who I am and understand why my actions might hurt, but I'm not sure where to start. Well, I'll guess I'll begin by reflecting on my life before boys and broken hearts.

For the longest time I was never comfortable with the girl in the mirror or the girl in pictures, many teenage girls/boys likely go through the same thing. Luckily I am blessed with amazing friends who are unique and fun. Unknowingly they helped me through rough times by simply being there and in that way managed to shape me into who I am today. Because of their presence and influence, soon I began to view the good intentioned (sometimes major fuck-up) yet stubborn vegetarian looking back at me in the mirror as a good thing. The girl behind the glasses was changing for the better (in my opinion). I started working out, eventually I became confident enough to wear nicer/tighter clothes (that I never wore because I was ashamed) thus attracting compliments from family and friends. I lost weight, but I also lost the bulk of clothes designed for people to hide in. I began to push myself hard in school because for one I love learning and two I thrive off receiving praise for my hard work. - I was finally getting the much needed ego boost that I had denied myself for the longest time, which had left me miserable and lonely. I am so lucky to have such a great family, environment and group of friends to support me and make me feel loved.

Now let's get to the boys and broken hearts part. Don't get me wrong, I did attract the attention of boys before my boyfriend, but I never understood why they would want to date me. I know eh? Pity party for me! But, seriously, it never occurred to me that they might find me pretty or that maybe I had a personally that appealed to them or something. I'd turn them down thinking I was doing THEM a favor. Jesus. My "oh pity me" ways not only hurt myself, but also those boys that probably genuinely liked me as a person. In the words of my father: "you're a heart breaker, that's not a good thing." When I would turn them down, I saw myself getting more and more miserable, burying myself in giant sweaters from value and hating people for some retarded reason. My actions made me hate myself and I was spiraling into some metaphysical pit of permanent isolation. Then the craziest thing happened, one boy managed to get through my defenses. For some crazy reason he found the giant sweater wearing awkward girl to his liking. At this point I was already beginning to change myself (working out, becoming more friendly, etc.).

So now back to these conflicting attitudes. This brave boy, who saw me at my weakest point, doesn't like the person I've become. Lately I've been celebrating my confidence by wearing girly clothes, by painting my nails neon pink and loving the way my bikini looks on me. Some might call me fake or something, hypocritical etc etc. But I'm finally doing what makes me happy and sadly I haven't been happy for a long time. Too bad that it doesn't make the people who count happy. Well, I don't think my personality has changed much, I'm still a goof ball, jokester, obnoxious, sifi nerd, non-gossip, loner and often shy girl. I am proud to say that I'm not afraid to speak my mind anymore. My teachers helped a lot in that department, but also the eye surgery that I received helped with my fear of eye contact. I never really mentioned that. But that also made me avoid boys because who would want to date the crazy-cock-eyed girl who was afraid to take off her glasses. All in all, I had believed these changes were for the better but, I think I'm as vulnerable now as when I started. I hear that I'm a good person from my mom, as to be expected. But on the other hand I'm told I'm a bitch and a slut, with no one in mind except herself. I take it all to heart even if they are jokes because I'm stupid and weak and I'm left with old miserable self once more and I not sure what to think about the confident girl in the mirror anymore. I think I'll miss her when she's gone, even if she wasn't a great person. I know that I never intend to do awful things, I believe that I have good intentions. But did I have to pay a price to get to this point? I think I have, for I feel so unloved right now despite being surrounded by my family.

I'm going to Kingston in September. I'll hopefully be making new friends and will be beginning to stand on my own. My worst fear is that I'll lose the girl in the mirror. I think I like her - despite some negative reviews.

I've grown so much since I first started this blog. I'm proud of who I have become. The scary thing is, I'm not sure how long I can keep telling myself that if I don't really believe it.

Back Here Again

I find I always write on my blog when I'm completely messed. I've been lucky lately. I've had many people to talk to and things to keep my mind occupied. But, here I am. Back again to my teenage angst filled blog posts. Now, I feel more like my old teenage self than ever.

WHAT MAKES ME A BITCHY TEEN:

1. I'm slowly building myself up to a stress induced death.
2. I'm going to cry myself a river! (I'm pretty goddamn dramatic)
3. I'm an awful human being once again.
4. I'm starting to like being alone.
5. Jumping off a bridge is looking perrrty fine!

So here's a poem. A depressing, sad, embarrassing, gay ass poem. But fuck, right now I have to talk to someone. Even the internet folk. You've always been there for me when I feel like spilling some shitty thoughts. So thank you for probably not reading my blog... because I know the kind of shit you're into... when you're googling Jessica (omg so many naked pics)!

Oh That FEEELIN'!

What AWESOME feelings that feeling brings
when you give your heart away.
But complications arise
that feeling dies.
and you're fucked and left astray.

You forget about that feeling,
it no longer has a name
and all you can remember - is what it all became.
The happiness was forced, the anger too real
and those feelings overpowered the feelings
you should feel.

So how do you know when the end is real?
Was last week, the last time
You would feel?

Is it over now, it's not clear?
Cause it sure as hell didn't end with a slamming door.
Because why should I fight for you,
if you don't want me anymore?

The Empty

She only knew how to be herself, and even though that wouldn't be enough for him, it was all she had.

I'm getting that sinking feeling and i know that it's not good. Soon I'll have to delve into my treasure trove of memories because out here I'm nothing but water. I need something solid to remind me that life is wonderful. I can't rely on images and fantasies to keep me company anymore. I need the living breathing, kicking, screaming parts of life to bring me back. We can fight it, us lovers, for only so long.

Awesome Photography

http://www.webdesignerdepot.com/2010/04/captivating-examples-of-sleeveface-photography/

A Woman's Last Words by Robert Browning

I.

Let's contend no more, Love,
Strive nor weep:
All be as before, Love,
—Only sleep!

II.

What so wild as words are?
I and thou
In debate, as birds are,
Hawk on bough!





III.

See the creature stalking
While we speak!
Hush and hide the talking,
Cheek on cheek!

IV.

What so false as truth is,
False to thee?
Where the serpent's tooth is
Shun the tree—

V.

Where the apple reddens
Never pry—
Lest we lose our Edens,
Eve and I.

VI.

Be a god and hold me
With a charm!
Be a man and fold me
With thine arm!

VII.

Teach me, only teach, Love
As I ought
I will speak thy speech, Love,
Think thy thought—

VIII.

Meet, if thou require it,
Both demands,
Laying flesh and spirit
In thy hands.

IX.

That shall be to-morrow
Not to-night:
I must bury sorrow
Out of sight:

X.

—Must a little weep, Love,
(Foolish me!)
And so fall asleep, Love,
Loved by thee.